In the last couple of days, it has come to my attention that actual real human beings may be reading my blog (or else my wife now has recently signed up for 7 new email addresses).
This goes against my theory that two people were reading this mush on a semi-regular basis. I knew of a convicted felon (I’m sorry, an innocent man unfairly ramrodded by our justice system) and a relative I assumed was just being kind as they quickly scanned the blog and halfheartedly forced out a somewhat uncomfortable giggle.
On a certain level, the fact that over 6 people now read this frightens me for a couple of reasons. One, I have no real writing skills. You can ask my English teachers. I say teachers because we had six of them between my 8th grade year and senior year.
The one thing all six could agree upon was the fact that most of my papers looked like they were written by a 7 year old with slightly below average intelligence, very poor penmanship and a complete inability to differentiate between to, too, and two (I still don’t know the difference – no seriously, I really don’t).
If you are a math teacher and trying to figure out why I had six teachers in five years, I will help you with this complex math problem. I had two my junior year (there was an “incident” with a smelly lady from Portugal with kickin’ breath who had to leave at the semester- I would like to tell you more, but the lawyers cut a deal and our class was sworn to secrecy for a period of 27 years).
My very first college essay, written in pencil, was returned to me covered in red marks. As I looked over it, I noticed that the professor (The Demon) had written constructive (mean) comments on nearly every paragraph. There was so much red on the paper, it looked like she had cut her hand and bled out.
At the very top of my paper she (The Demon) had written three large comments. One comment simply stated, “This is the worst paper I have ever graded!” The second comment led me to believe that I should drop out of college immediately. Lastly she wrote that she would have included more comments, but her pen ran out of ink (two of these are true and I made one of them up- you can guess). The only thing that I learned in that class is that she was an unhappy woman (The Demon) who lived with 14 cats (Pets of The Demon).
…but I digress. The second thing that frightens me is in regards to the educators of our nation’s children that actually have time to read this blog?
Shouldn’t you be working on curriculum, or trying to find the janitor, or tracking down witnesses to yet another recess incident that involved 11 years old girls who are evidently starting rumors about other students?
I mean, come on. The intention of this blog wasn’t for it to actually be read. It was simply meant as an outlet for a middle-aged, slightly angry man, who cracks himself up.
My wife basically called me a little girl and insinuated that I would buckle under the pressure of having to write blog entries for actual people to read.
She is the one with the pressure. She has to (too, or two) edit it.
Side note from wife…If I could have used red font while editing this entry, it would have looked like I “bled out”. He is not kidding about the to, too, or two. My mom told me to marry someone with better writing skills, but I didn’t listen.
Phil Gaton"