Just yesterday it was 1999 and I was in our basement stockpiling water, guns, Twinkies, and beef jerky. The next thing I know (after noticing Y2K was yet another shame by the government) another decade is coming to a close.
Actually that last sentence is a lie.
Not a big one, the usual smaller type of lie with which I used to move along the plot of the blog (I am sure there is some sort of “official” English term for this, but my knowledge in that area is limited at best).
When I was stockpiling survival items, we couldn’t afford a basement. But basement is way funnier than small closet in the 2nd bedroom/computer room/storage area of a small apartment (just for the record, we thought we were living large).
So the end of a year can only mean one thing.
It’s time to make a resolution. Like everyone else in the world, I will undoubtedly keep this resolution for the entire year.
It’s time to make myself a better person.
Sure, I could do this on any day of the year, but to make it official I must wait until December 31.
My motivation for resoluting seems to be at its highest when college football bowl games are on (don’t ask me why, it’s just the way it works… and yes, I know resoluting isn’t a word, so save your emails).
Since I only have this one shot at improving myself, I really need to focus.
Why do I do this? Why do I feel such a need to make myself better? Why do I put myself through such torture?
Because. Just because.
It’s the American way. Everyone has to make a New Year’s Resolution. If you don’t make one, you are a complete failure as a human being.
You are a loser. I hate to use such harsh language, but it’s true.
Yes I am talking to you, loser not making a resolution.
If you don’t make one, it’s like you are snubbing the rest of us. Like you are so perfect, there is nothing that you need to change about yourself.
And don’t forget it’s the law. I read that somewhere.
This would explain why Americans are so focused on making resolutions. It will be on the news, in the papers, all over the internet, and even in moderately read blogs (I would name such a blog, but I can’t think of one off the top of my head).
And you know if it’s on the internet, it has to be true.
When I make a resolution, I try to commit myself to something that I have a snowballs chance of actually doing.
One year it was to sleep more. Check.
One year it was to take up smoking. Check. Although that didn’t last long.
One year it was to eat fewer vegetables. Check.
One year it was to watch more television. I don’t mean to brag, but I nailed that one (got off to a fast start on January 1 and never looked back).
This year will be no different. The only question is to which resolution shall I commit?
I toyed with the idea of reading more, pursuing a doctorate, writing an intelligent blog, or possibly volunteering at a nursing home.
Let’s not kid ourselves. All of these are well beyond my reach.
So I have settled on the tried and true.
My resolution for 2009 is to be less fat.
I am guaranteeing that on December 31, 2009, I will weigh less than I do today.
Why? Because I don’t want to end up being that guy on the Discovery Channel who needs an intervention and a chainsaw (the chainsaw is to cut a huge hole in the side of my house so that they can roll me into the yard).
Plus, who likes bedsores?
You may be asking yourself, how much weight will he lose? 10 pounds? 20 pounds? Or even 50 pounds?
Let’s not get crazy.
We are talking less fat, not a lot less fat.
The official number is at least 1 pound.
Sure it sounds like an unreachable goal, but I can do it. Even if it takes running an extra 3 yards each day. Or another 15 seconds on the exercise bike. Or possibly, cutting down to 12 Oreos per serving instead of the tried and true 13.
Just so this is an honest and fair competition (and please remember, there will be no wagering… unless you are feeling brave), my official weight today is 188.5.
So at the end of 2009, I will weigh at least 1 pound less.
This resolution will be like all of my others…an unbridled success.
And you know it’s true because you read it on the internet.
If you want to join me on the Resolution Train 2009, feel free. It’s wide enough for all of us.
Have a good and prosperous new year. If you need me I will be in the weight room.
Or at McDonald’s (getting my two Quarter Pounders, super-sized fries, chocolate sundae and small Diet Coke… after all, I have to watch what I eat).