Enough with the Resumes.


resume-papers-smaller-versionOnce again, it’s that special time of the year. It’s a good news/bad news situation.

First , the bad news.

My desk is covered with resumes.

What’s the good news? They aren’t mine (and as always, if you have heard something that would indicate I need to update my resume, please let me know ASAP).

The school year is coming to a close (settle down, summer is still a couple months away… and keep in mind, there are a lot of class parties, parent phone calls, and field trips between now and then).

It is exciting to know that most of us will survive another year.

Spring brings out the best in all of us. It also brings warmer weather (if you are on my side of the equator), flowers, wind, and the start of soccer (you don’t even want me to get started on this).

It also brings resumes. Lots of them.

So many, that I think my mailman may end up taking disability because of a bad back.

When I receive the first 100 resumes, I know interview season is right around the corner.

This economy hasn’t helped. My desk is covered with transcripts and letters of recommendation.

It is so bad, that I don’t even have room for the crumbs from my lunches and dinners (yes, administrators eat at their desks… if you are new to the profession please consider this a “job perk”… it will keep you from getting angry and burning out any sooner than necessary).

These resumes are like visits from family. Unasked for and too long (I kid… because I care).

It is a mystery to me why unemployed teachers think schools keep teaching openings a secret.

It’s like they don’t believe we will advertise the position.

Do they think cold calling works? They remind me of window and siding salesman. If I need them, I will let them know.

They can’t honestly believe school administrators just sit at our desks and ponder… I really wish an elementary teacher would mail me a 45 page portfolio so I could hire him/her to teach the 3rd graders.
The classroom seems so empty.

Then it happens.

The mail is delivered and wahoo… finally, a teacher to hire.

How would I have ever found this wonderful educator without my trusted friend, the mail guy (side note: I am jealous of him because he gets to wear shorts all summer long).

As a reminder, for those of you who are new to this blog…everything you have read up to this point is what we call “sarcasm”.

As will most likely be the rest of this blog and every other.

Of course sarcasm is a form of ironic speech or writing which is bitter or cutting, being intended to taunt its target (thank you Wikipedia).

I recently read a study online (so you know its true) that only 30% of humans get sarcasm (I have no idea if this is the right number… and I am way too lazy to Google it).

But this does explain why 70% of the population gives me a dirty look when I speak.

My point is…resumes are overrated.

The fancy paper. The matching envelopes. The lying.

And I haven’t even mentioned the references. Who in their right mind would put someone down as a reference, who didn’t think they were the greatest person ever?

You have to admit, no one ever looks better than they do on their resume. It is sort of like your wedding picture. The day that is taken, you have peaked (personally, I can’t believe that I was ever that skinny… my wife on the other hand gets thinner and more beautiful every day… for my own safety and well-being… this is not sarcasm).

Enough with the resumes. It is 2009.

Don’t unemployed people have internet? Can’t they just email me their information?

Do we have to keep killing trees? Most of which seem to be a lovely shade of yellow or gray. And I might add, come with beautiful watermarks.

Long sarcastic story short. Stop sending me your resumes. I am not a collector.

I am asking everyone to join me in this cause!

Unemployed teachers need to stop mailing and start emailing.

On some level, I think colleges keep pushing resumes so they can sell more transcripts (but, I have no proof… and I don’t want to get sued… again…).

Actually, you don’t even have to email your information.

All I need is your full name and college(s) you attended/dropped out of/ or were asked to leave.

If I have that, I can simply Google you. Then I will check out your MySpace, Facebook, Twitter and Plurk pages.

That should tell me if you’re fit to be with 3rd graders.

And as an added bonus, it may save a tree.

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While this site operates with the knowledge and awareness of the Tuscola CUSD #301 School Board, Tuscola, Illinois, the content and opinions posted here may or may not represent their views personally or collectively, nor does it attempt to represent the official viewpoint of Tuscola CUSD #301 administrators or employees.