I have lots of theories (as you may have noticed). My latest is the people of the United States vote for President just like they choose a fourth grade teacher for their oldest child.
Sure it sounds crazy at first glance, but trust me, I am on to something (and I have the facts to prove it).
The political pundits (I want one of those jobs where I get paid for spouting off my insane opinions) try and convince us that we elect a President after a lot of thought, watching the debates, and three years of seeing these yahoos give speeches to 12 people in Iowa and New Hampshire.
They act like we must be in total agreement with candidate’s thoughts on abortion, gun control, the death penalty, education and even their thoughts on America’s role in the world.
These pundits sit around on TV on Sunday morning (I am so jealous) and tell us how we will back a certain candidate based on their religion, their voting record in Congress, or even their choice of Vice Presidential running mate.
They think we can be swayed by the candidate who raises the most money, has the most commercials, or gets endorsed by the right newspaper or union.
Politicians think we vote for them based on whether they are a Democrat or a Republican, how they look on TV, or if they are from our part of the country.
We vote for the Presidential candidate exactly like we choose our child’s fourth grade teacher. Whichever one is the least creepy, acts like they have classroom control and is the most fun.
I could argue this point, but I will let history make my argument. Take a look at the following 5 Presidential Elections and tell me who you would rather have as your kid’s teacher.
2004 Bush vs. Kerry- regular guy wins over snobby guy (at the time of the election, who would you rather have had a parent-teacher conference with? That’s easy: the down home, regular guy, with a librarian wife – Mr. Bush).
2000 Bush vs. Gore- tough one. (toss up, hope the year goes fast and your child makes it to 5th grade without any permanent damage. If we knew back then that Mr. Gore was Mr. Environment, it would have been an easy decision- everybody loves the science guy, Bill Nye!)
1996 Clinton vs. Dole- fun guy (you can define fun), beats cranky old guy. Your son/daughter would have never forgiven you for putting them in Mr. Dole’s class (that’s a long year with a lot of yelling).
1992 Clinton vs. Bush #1- young hip teacher vs. grandpa who is counting down the days to retirement.
1988 Bush #1 vs. Dukakis- war hero vs. nerd riding around in a tank. Don’t tell me that Mr. Dukakis’s class wouldn’t have been a zoo (lots of note taking and boring lectures).
1984 Reagan vs. Mondale- really cool teacher with experience vs. a guy who subs a lot and makes everyone a little nervous.
I could go on and on with my full-proof political Presidential theory, but I think I have made my point.
Now that I have shared my theory, you should know who our next President will be.
Just ask yourself who would make the best 4th grade teacher: Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Romney, Mr. Obama, Mr. Giuliani, Mr. Edwards, Mr. Thompson, or Mr. McCain?
The answer is so obvious.