My New Year’s Resolution Advice: Focus on What You Can Achieve.

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A Cat Smoking is Always Funny.This year I am going to choose my New Year’s Resolutions a little more wisely. 2008 is the year that I follow through on all of my resolutions.

I have been far too unrealistic in years past. No more feeling like a total failure when I give up on my resolutions. This year on January 9th, I will feel good about myself.

So for my 2008 resolutions I have chosen the following in no particular order:

• I resolve to become a cigarette smoker. I have never smoked, but I am not getting any younger. No time like the present.

First errand for me in 2008; purchase a pack of cigarettes for $900 at the local convenience store. I may pay in change, so if you are in the line behind me, I apologize (I may also be purchasing scratch off lottery tickets, so I hope you aren’t in a hurry).

• Another resolution is to pack on the weight. It is my goal to get as fat as possible. If all goes well, I could be one of those people authorities have to cut out of his or her house by December 31, 2008 (keep your fingers crossed for me).

I always thought that I was thin, but the doctor always tells me differently. She puts me on the scale and then looks at some mysterious chart with my ideal weight compared to my height.

The chart says at my height of 5’10”, I should weigh between 81 and 92 pounds. I will never beat the chart, so I might as well be huge.

• Along with gaining weight, it is natural to exercise less. Combining resolutions doubles my chances of being successful. No walking, running, biking, or lifting weights. The less movement the better. I may not be able to leave the house for the next 12 months, but I am willing to sacrifice.

• While I am smoking, gaining weight, and sitting around doing nothing I want to accomplish my fourth resolution. Put myself in such debt that there will be no way I ever recover financially.

And I don’t mean just regular debt. I mean maxing out 47 credit cards.

Why be one of those fools who puts money aside for a rainy day? I want the instant gratification of overspending. And with online shopping, I can stay in the house and eat while I overspend.

• My next resolution is to get far less organized. I figure with all of the smoking, overeating, lack of exercise, and huge debt, I am bound to spiral into depression.

Hopefully, the depression will lead to a total lack of motivation and who can be organized when they are in a cupcake induced depression? This one seems like a natural to me (almost too easy).

• Next I want to forget several things that I have learned over the years such as geometry, what an adverb is, and how to floss.

Lots of people make resolutions about expanding their knowledge. Not me, I want to cut back.

• I resolve to spend less time with family and friends. After all, I will be too busy out in the yard smoking Marlboros and eating Twinkies.

• Another resolution is to read less. Books take time. By giving this up, I will have more time for reality television. If I do this, I will never be smarter than I am as of today. This seems like an achievable goal.

• Lastly, I resolve to not walk around school with a 5 gallon jug of water the first week back. This should be an easy one to accomplish because I have no idea why teachers do this.

There you have it. My resolutions for 2008. Some people may call them “negative and unhealthy”, but I prefer the term “attainable goals”.

My hope is to lower expectations to a point that people are impressed by my accomplishments.

I already feel like a better person.

Happy New Year. I’ve got to go.

Those cigarettes aren’t going to smoke themselves.

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3 Responses to “My New Year’s Resolution Advice: Focus on What You Can Achieve.”

  1. My Days as the Main Man Are Numbered. | PrincipalsPage The Blog
    on Mar 27th, 2009
    @ 4:03 pm

    [...] Blog are “all over the place.” One is about my distaste for soccer, another about New Year’s resolutions, then it’s about NCLB, and finally I am giving advice to new principals (unwanted and unasked for [...]

  2. I Hate the First Day of School. But I Have Yet Another Plan. | PrincipalsPage The Blog
    on Jul 20th, 2009
    @ 6:55 pm

    [...] to summer even more than a boy who is getting a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas (that is my second Holiday reference in an August blog… very impressive if you ask me… and I just realized that no one is [...]

  3. new years resolution 2010
    on Dec 31st, 2009
    @ 4:40 pm

    This was an entertaining read, I’m always on the lookout for great articles and blog ideas so thanks. I’ve bookmarked this article so I’ll keep in touch!

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