A 5 Gallon Bucket of Mayonaise Always Makes Me Happy.

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I was reading a newspaper article online which stated that 94% of Americans reported they are happy with their lives.

This goes completely against what the media tells us on a daily basis. I don’t watch the news much anymore (post 9/11, because that is when they invented the annoying scroll bar at the bottom of the screen that gives us way too much information) because I am convinced that the media believes that the only way for them to get us to watch their news programs is to scare and depress us (mostly older people).

Plus, I don’t want to wait for the 6:00 newscast. I like to think that I am very busy. A high percentage of people used to watch their local news for two primary reasons: the weather and sports scores. Now, we don’t have to wait to see either."I Hate Ryan Seacrest!"

There are a lot of choices out there for information and more and more people are going to the internet for everything, including the weather and sports scores (plus there is no annoying scroll bar).

Because of these factors, news ratings only go up in the United States when something bad happens, therefore it seems the news broadcasts stories about terrible things in order to raise ratings.

I think that over the last twenty years the media has told us we aren’t happy, and America is bad, and the rest of the world hates us. Some of this is probably true, but I have three good reasons why we are happy (at least 94% of us).

Why are 94% of us happy? Reason # 1, warehouse stores. I am about to go to Sam’s and buy 6 gallons of nacho cheese for like $4.00 (don’t ask why, it would just frighten you). Because of this and the fact that I could buy a five gallon bucket of mayonnaise if I wanted, I am extremely happy.

Reason #2, no one cares about professional soccer. I have talked about this before, but it bears repeating. Other countries play soccer because they don’t have choices. We have choices and our country usually makes good ones (not counting the Pauly Shore movies, the Macarena, and Brian Dunkleman).

Simply put, we don’t play sports where the clock counts up; we are a country that counts down. If you don’t believe me when was the last time on New Year’s Eve at ten seconds before midnight you went 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10… Happy New Year. We count down soccer guy and we are happy about it.

And finally reason #3, Bill Clinton. Love him or hate him, only in America can you come from Arkansas, be part of an alcoholic, dysfunctional, poor family, go to public schools, and then get elected the leader of the largest, most powerful, free country in the world. That makes me happy because if a goofball like him is successful, it gives the rest of us hope.

Three indisputable reasons why Americans are happy, no matter what we are told. We are and will continue to be a country of predominately happy people. Just as long as we watch football, buy condiments in large quantities, and have the opportunity to elect JoeBob President.

Just don’t watch the news because they will tell you differently.

Now, go Google Brian Dunkleman, it will make you happy.

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2 Responses to “A 5 Gallon Bucket of Mayonaise Always Makes Me Happy.”


  1. Turns Out the Soccer Gods May Get the Last Laugh. | PrincipalsPage The Blog
    on Jul 18th, 2009
    @ 7:40 am

    [...] this point, I must admit that I was almost getting excited. I was giddy with anticipation as I turned the first shirt over to see what business was lucky [...]


  2. Ben Altadonna
    on Apr 15th, 2010
    @ 3:31 am

    I love Seacrest. Even if he is crazy weird.

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