A Pretty Girl Asked Me Out for Corn Dogs.

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One of the Best Dates I've Ever Had.As I sit here on the day after Thanksgiving, I have a couple of thoughts.

One is that I need a bigger chair.

The second is that last piece of pumpkin pie was a bad idea. I feel like a bloated rotting hog that has been lying out in the sun for too long.

Too graphic? Sorry. I get cranky when I am too fat to fit in the shower.

Honestly, I am one more scoop of mashed potatoes away from needing a hand rail to successfully bathe.


Because I am going to have to sit down in the shower while the water pours over my humungous carcass (take away the c-a-r-c….). Eventually I am going to have to stand up.

It would be inappropriate to call 911, so the hand rail is a must.

I really need a glass of water and a small salad. A really small salad. And do they make diet water?

Why do I overeat on Thanksgiving? I know it is going to happen, yet my self-control fails me.

I am pathetic. And uncomfortable.

It got so bad that loosening my pants didn’t solve the problem. I was thinking long and hard about just taking them completely off (yet another reason to always wear clean underwear kids).

If I never eat again it will be too soon.

This got me thinking about the last meal I enjoyed when I still weighed less than a Ford Focus (you are welcome for the gratuitous plug Ford… I am doing my part to save the auto industry).

On Wednesday, I didn’t have school but my wife and daughter did.

There are some advantages to working in a different district than the rest of the family.

One, my daughter doesn’t have to hear my name used as a curse word on the playground.

Another is she can invite me to eat lunch with her when I have a day off.

At this point in her life she considers this fun. And so do I.

You would think that eating another school cafeteria corn dog would be the last thing I want to do on a day off, but in this case it is an honor and a privilege.

And one that won’t last forever.

I don’t know how much longer I have, but I am trying to milk it for all its worth before I get banned to Daddy Dork Land.

It’s coming. It’s just a matter of time. I can feel it.

Sure my corny jokes play well to a 2nd grade audience, but in a few years she will have to disown me.

I can’t blame her. She can’t afford to risk her social status by letting me show up at her middle school for lunch.

By then my best hope is she doesn’t tell her friends that her father was killed in a horrific coal mining accident. Or worse, she tells them she is a test tube baby (again, I apologize about the graphic nature of this particular blog… I am not myself as gravy courses through my veins).

I can live with dropping her off two blocks from school each morning, but I don’t want her to have to fake my death. Or lie about her conception.

Anyway, she let me eat with her and I even got a special bonus.

Yes, I was a proud recipient of a very public kiss and hug (I can feel these slipping away…).

So while I have been on lots of hot dates (not really), I think I will always remember when a pretty girl asked me out for corn dogs on a special lunch date.

And I might add. Pineapple, corn, and my choice of white or chocolate milk.

I felt like a prince.

Soon, I will be the frog.

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13 Responses to “A Pretty Girl Asked Me Out for Corn Dogs.”

  1. Teryl
    on Nov 29th, 2008
    @ 7:07 am

    I always love the insight you give on your blog posts and of course they make me LOL. This one in particular gave me the “warm fuzzies” though. I am the mom of a 13 YO and a 5 YO. Yes, the time has slipped away with the eldest, but I am so glad the little one has not yet banished me to the corner. Cherish every moment!

  2. Angie
    on Dec 1st, 2008
    @ 7:27 am

    My 12 year old allowed me to bring him lunch last week – Whataburger and a Coke. Yes, he is still young enough to be bribed into eating lunch with me with fries and high fructrose corn syrup. I’m thinking when he hits 16, a nice convertible might do the trick.

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  5. Todd
    on Apr 10th, 2009
    @ 12:15 pm

    Great blog. I must have missed this one…probably stuffing my face with turkey and leftovers for two weeks.

    My daughter’s last invitation to her school (yes it is nice not being the principal of the same school that your child attends) was two years ago when she was in 5th grade. I thought that I was hilarious, but since I have not been invited back and receive a horrific look when I suggest it, maybe I was not as funny as I think I was.

    Being easily embarrased does have it’s priveledges however. Now when she won’t clean her room, I just have to say that I will open the windows when I see a grop of boys walking by the house and yell, “Clean your room”. It’s quick and easy.

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  12. Britney K.
    on Aug 6th, 2009
    @ 12:25 am

    She sounds like a great little girl. Thanks for the great post .

    I loved it.

  13. Ruth
    on Jan 28th, 2010
    @ 2:53 am

    I adore this entry. I’m also getting hooked on reading all of the comments from readers. Keep up the good work!

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