All Blogs Are Niche Blogs.

My last blog (the one before this one) inspired several people to point out I had fallen off the Sarcasm Train.

I don’t mind saying that hurt.  Falling off a train almost always stings.

I pride myself on my ability to be sarcastic.  Without being too hateful (practice makes perfect).

Or maybe I’m hateful.  Whatever.  Makes me little difference.I Need Sarcasm, Like I Need Oxygen.

I’m here for my own amusement, not to entertain the people who should be focusing on their work instead of cruising the internet and reading my blog.

Maybe the last blog wasn’t sarcastic.  Maybe I was expanding my writing techniques.  Maybe I had a head cold.  Or maybe I just happened to be in a good mood that particular day.

Actually it was none of those.  I just took a day off from the sarcasm. 

Even Tiger Woods has a bad day once in a while (cocktail waitresses Tiger???… did you really expect them to keep a secret for the next 50 years considering you are 1 of the 10 most famous people in the world???).

Our friends at Wikipedia define sarcasm as a rhetorical device of using a characterization of something or someone in order to express contempt.

I almost feel giddy just typing it.

Education is ripe for this type of contempt.  There is always something or someone who needs slapped down in the educational world.

And I’m more than willing to do my part.

If nothing else, I’m a team player.

There is a problem with sarcasm though.  Most people don’t get it.  Many think it’s mean or stupid.

But I’m okay with that.

It makes me smile.  And by smile I mean roll my eyes.

There is an even larger problem.

I’m writing (?) for a  very finite group.

Readers tell me they don’t blog because no one would be interested in what they have to say.  I think this is dead wrong.  There are lots of crazy people who think just like they do (and they are out there… trust me).

All blogs are niche blogs.  Take mine for example (and it is for sale if anyone is interested).

You have all of the blogs in the world.  Get rid of the 99.42% that don’t deal with education.  Then take all of the educators in the world and get rid of the 99.42% who don’t read blogs.

Then lose the 98.37% of blog reading educators who don’t read this blog.

And then scrap the ones who hate sarcasm and think I’m an idiot (nearly 100%).

That’s how you come up with my readers.

Not a huge group.

Somewhere in the vicinity of .000000000027345% of people who have internet.

But lucky for me, it’s a loyal group.

On a monthly basis it’s thousands of people who have an interest in education, schools, teachers, students, administrators, technology, sarcasm, and evidently mediocre writing.

It’s quite obvious what they like.


And lot’s of it.

So I’m returning to my roots.

No more intelligent, thought-provoking blogs about parenting and the effects it has not only on schools, but our society.

I’m going back to the tried and true.

Anger, disgust, and contempt for all things that bother me.

And of course my love of Buddy the Dog

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Enough with the Resumes.

resume-papers-smaller-versionOnce again, it’s that special time of the year. It’s a good news/bad news situation.

First , the bad news.

My desk is covered with resumes.

What’s the good news? They aren’t mine (and as always, if you have heard something that would indicate I need to update my resume, please let me know ASAP).

The school year is coming to a close (settle down, summer is still a couple months away… and keep in mind, there are a lot of class parties, parent phone calls, and field trips between now and then).

It is exciting to know that most of us will survive another year.

Spring brings out the best in all of us. It also brings warmer weather (if you are on my side of the equator), flowers, wind, and the start of soccer (you don’t even want me to get started on this).

It also brings resumes. Lots of them.

So many, that I think my mailman may end up taking disability because of a bad back.

When I receive the first 100 resumes, I know interview season is right around the corner.

This economy hasn’t helped. My desk is covered with transcripts and letters of recommendation.

It is so bad, that I don’t even have room for the crumbs from my lunches and dinners (yes, administrators eat at their desks… if you are new to the profession please consider this a “job perk”… it will keep you from getting angry and burning out any sooner than necessary).

These resumes are like visits from family. Unasked for and too long (I kid… because I care).

It is a mystery to me why unemployed teachers think schools keep teaching openings a secret.

It’s like they don’t believe we will advertise the position.

Do they think cold calling works? They remind me of window and siding salesman. If I need them, I will let them know.

They can’t honestly believe school administrators just sit at our desks and ponder… I really wish an elementary teacher would mail me a 45 page portfolio so I could hire him/her to teach the 3rd graders.
The classroom seems so empty.

Then it happens.

The mail is delivered and wahoo… finally, a teacher to hire.

How would I have ever found this wonderful educator without my trusted friend, the mail guy (side note: I am jealous of him because he gets to wear shorts all summer long).

As a reminder, for those of you who are new to this blog…everything you have read up to this point is what we call “sarcasm”.

As will most likely be the rest of this blog and every other.

Of course sarcasm is a form of ironic speech or writing which is bitter or cutting, being intended to taunt its target (thank you Wikipedia).

I recently read a study online (so you know its true) that only 30% of humans get sarcasm (I have no idea if this is the right number… and I am way too lazy to Google it).

But this does explain why 70% of the population gives me a dirty look when I speak.

My point is…resumes are overrated.

The fancy paper. The matching envelopes. The lying.

And I haven’t even mentioned the references. Who in their right mind would put someone down as a reference, who didn’t think they were the greatest person ever?

You have to admit, no one ever looks better than they do on their resume. It is sort of like your wedding picture. The day that is taken, you have peaked (personally, I can’t believe that I was ever that skinny… my wife on the other hand gets thinner and more beautiful every day… for my own safety and well-being… this is not sarcasm).

Enough with the resumes. It is 2009.

Don’t unemployed people have internet? Can’t they just email me their information?

Do we have to keep killing trees? Most of which seem to be a lovely shade of yellow or gray. And I might add, come with beautiful watermarks.

Long sarcastic story short. Stop sending me your resumes. I am not a collector.

I am asking everyone to join me in this cause!

Unemployed teachers need to stop mailing and start emailing.

On some level, I think colleges keep pushing resumes so they can sell more transcripts (but, I have no proof… and I don’t want to get sued… again…).

Actually, you don’t even have to email your information.

All I need is your full name and college(s) you attended/dropped out of/ or were asked to leave.

If I have that, I can simply Google you. Then I will check out your MySpace, Facebook, Twitter and Plurk pages.

That should tell me if you’re fit to be with 3rd graders.

And as an added bonus, it may save a tree.

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Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Drag Me Back In.

Softball... It's Better Than Soccer.Soccer is over.

Let’s all take a moment to comprehend the significance of this event. I would invite everyone over for a celebration of cake and ice cream, but I don’t have the time or the interest in having people in my house.

Plus, you don’t know where I live. And if you do, I just find that creepy (and a little sad).

While soccer has ended, I haven’t had much time off (it ended just in time; right before I went insane from watching a pack of 1st graders chase the ball… why can’t they just SPREAD OUT!?).

You see, the unemployed one’s softball season started about 12 seconds after the last soccer game ended.

My daughter literally walked off the soccer field and grabbed her softball glove (the pink one… don’t ask… something about it needs to match her outfit and her hair thingies).

I thought my coaching career had ended when I took my first job in administration.

My daughter doesn’t seem to have time to get a job, but she sure has time for soccer, softball, swimming, skiing, riding her bike, going to science camp, being a girl scout, and the 17 other things that we have to drive her to and from.

I have noticed that helping run a school district takes less time and organization than it does to schedule and provide transportation for her assorted activities.

As if being in charge of her taxi service wasn’t enough work for us, we volunteered to coach (again… won’t I ever learn?). Hopefully the Queen of Technology can whip up an Excel spreadsheet for the stats (although, now she prefers Google Spreadsheets, whatever that is).

Let’s all take another moment to ask ourselves… “Am I a glutton for punishment for coaching or just a moron?”

Don’t answer that, I think the answer came to me about 7 minutes into the first practice.

Have you ever tried to teach 1st and 2nd grade girls to hit, throw, catch, run the bases, and everything else that is involved in playing softball?

By the way, I don’t know why the 2nd baseman doesn’t stand directly on 2nd base, so I wish they would stop asking.

Coaching kids this age (or any age) can be complicated.

Plus, their hair is in constant need of being fixed. Although I must say they do look stunning in their matching pink shoes, shorts, gloves, batting helmets, and those hair thingies (when they stay in place).

Who knew NIKE made softball cleats with a pink swoosh on the side (actually the swoosh comes in many colors and it can be changed to match a certain young ladies outfit… which I have done 14 times… but never again… unless she asks and smiles at me).

I must admit that as much as I have tried to teach the girls, they are teaching me more.

The first thing I learned is that they don’t like it when the coach “accidently” hits them with a pitch. Sorry. I am doing the best that I can.

I have also noticed that hitting my own kid doesn’t really bother me. I am a horrible parent, but she needs to learn that the inside part of the plate belongs to ME!

Another thing is, while I knew this would be different than coaching junior high or high school boys, I had no idea how much.

Stay with me here. You may want to sit down.

The girls actually listen.

Yes, that’s right. Girls seem to listen better than boys.

Was I the only one who didn’t know about this?

You tell them to do something and they actually look at you and listen to what you’re saying.

And they don’t play in the dirt. Or spit. Or scratch.

Unfortunately, the girls can’t do everything we show them, but the important thing is they try.

I am astounded that I have stumbled upon this revelation of girls listening better than boys.

When does this stop? When do boys become the better listeners? What changes that makes us so attentive as husbands and fathers?

I hope someone out there knows the answer.

But if you Skype me, I probably won’t hear you.

SportsCenter is on and the louder you talk; the louder I will be forced to turn up the television… in my head.

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Kiss Your Loved Ones Goodbye; The End is Near.

I'm Guessing They Weren't in Love.  And I'm Guessing He Would Get Arrested Today if He Did That.Take my advice and in the next 24 hours make contact with all the people you love and hold dear. Call, email, drive, fly… do whatever it takes.

Don’t let this opportunity pass because you will regret it for the rest of your life.

The end is near.

So, technically the regret won’t last that long. But, I digress.

Why is the world spiraling out of control? Why are we on the cusp of total mayhem? What has happened that is so monumental that life on this planet is about to end?


Guess who scored a goal in her soccer game?

Yes, that’s right. My jobless daughter actually kicked (remember, no hands) a ball past 14 defenders and a world class goalie to put the Orthopedic Clinic up 1-0 on our way to yet another victory (final score 3-0, but who is counting).

At least that is the way I remember it.

I have never seen another soccer team as big, as fast, and as athletic as our opponent.

Their defense was nearly impenetrable as the jobless, slightly lazy one made her way down the field.

She weaved her way in and out of defenders with amazing skill and precision. As she made her way towards the goal you could see that they were going to be no match for her talent (she gets most of her athletic skills from her mom).

Then it happened. She reared back, as only a future Olympian can and took a mighty kick at the ball.

Their team was obviously overmatched, and I don’t mind saying a little scared.

She fired the ball at the goal. As our fans yelled, and theirs screamed in horror, the soccer ball crossed the line and went into the goal at nearly 90 miles an hour.

I felt a little sad for the goalie as she fell to her knees and wept.

The jobless one looked into their section of fans and taunted them with a little move that she likes to call, “The Happy Dance.”

And then I blacked out.

My wife said as soon as she scored, I passed out and hit my head on the floor.

I don’t remember a thing.

But, the wife does. She saw what really happened.

We were playing a team that was missing 4 kids (vacation, trips to the water fountain, 2 in the potty, etc.).

The goalie was evidently distracted (and not world class, but very scrappy for a 31 pound kindergartner). The defense was confused (and a couple were sad because they missed lunch… these games that start at 12:00 pm are not for the faint of heart).

My daughter didn’t exactly weave in and out of defenders. It was more like she was in the right place at the right time.

And she didn’t exactly fire a shot at 90 miles an hour. She actually bumped the ball… by accident… with the side of her foot.

Our fans didn’t yell. Theirs didn’t scream.

But, she was very excited as the ball trickled into the goal. It was almost like the whole thing happened in slow motion.

Maybe that’s because when she runs, it looks like slow motion.

Anyways, it was a goal. And then she jumped up and down like this was the greatest moment of her life.

Then I fell and hit my head.

She has already forgotten about this athletic achievement and moved on to playing sidewalk chalk.

As for me, I will remember this as the moment when her Hall of Fame soccer career first began.

Go see your loved ones. The end is near.

I am going to take a nap. My head is killing me.

Odds are when I wake up; this will all have been a dream.

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Schools Have What They Want, But Not What They Need.

I constantly read newspaper articles regarding the government inadequately providing money to K-12 education.

This has made me wonder, how much money would it take before educators thought they had enough to guarantee success?

Schools are a business. Most people don’t think of them in that way, but they are.

We tend to view them differently than a grocery store, a gas station, a factory, or a construction company.

Education has more in common with these other businesses than most people think.This is My Money Bag.  I Don't Trust Banks.

School districts have a budget, employees, insurance, and customers. All issues that every business must face.

Since students are our customers, schools are guaranteed not to run out of business any time soon. This is a wonderful position in which to be placed, but it can also have a downside.

A guaranteed customer base has the tendency to promote bad service. If you don’t believe me think about cable companies, airlines, fast food restaurants, and auto dealerships.

When you think of these businesses, is your first thought; Wow, they have great employees who provide even greater service!! (or is it, in another sure fire sign that the world may end soon… that kid behind the counter can’t even make change)?

These businesses have tried to improve their service in the last few years, mainly because it was so poor. Actually, poor is not the right word. Horrendous fits better (I believe this to be true mainly because the kids at Taco Bell keep messing up my order).

Their challenge is that they provide items most people feel they must have. The bigger challenge is that the people will continue to purchase these items regardless of the quality of service.

Schools have to beware of falling into this trap. And it is an easy trap in which to fall when you know that you will always have a customer base.

The economic definition of business is the social science of managing people to organize and maintain collective productivity toward accomplishing particular creative and productive goals, usually to generate profit (man, I wish I could write sentences like this… not mine, Google it).

This definition can be applied to schools, except that we are not in the business of generating a profit but expanding a student’s knowledge (in theory… I am not counting that student from 3rd hour who drives you crazy).

Even though schools have an endless supply of customers, we do lack something. Most people involved in education think it is money, but I don’t believe that finances are our biggest challenge.

It is not that I wouldn’t take more money for my school; I just don’t think it is the solution for all of our problems.

While schools are a business, we are also a government entity.

Being part of the government is always a recipe for success. What could possibly go wrong when the government is involved? I have a warm and fuzzy feeling just thinking about it (this is a little something I like to call sarcasm).

Would every school in America be better off if our budget was doubled next year? If every teacher had their salary increased by $25,000? How about if administrators had better health insurance?

If all of these things happened, would students be smarter, better-rounded, produce higher test scores, and be more prepared for their lives after a K-12 education?

I think in the immediate future that more money would help to improve education, but in the long term, I am not so sure.

If educators had more money with which to work next year, we would be thrilled… for a while.

Then human nature would take over and we would want an even higher salary, an even better retirement plan, and more respect for all of the wonderful things that we do for students.

More money makes humans happy… in the short term.

It is similar to buying a new car. It is a fantastic feeling when you first get it, but as time goes on, it just becomes a car (when the new car smell goes, so does a small part of your love for it).

At first you wash the new car every weekend and treat it like a member of the family (one that you like), but over time we begin to take it for granted.

I think we would see the same type of reaction if educators had an unlimited supply of money. It would definitely be cherished in the moment, but time has a way of wearing down our appreciation.

Don’t get me wrong, schools could certainly fine a place for more money. There is no argument about this, but over the long haul something would still be missing.

I believe that the major thing that lacks in education that other businesses benefit from is competition.

That is the secret (in my mind, not necessarily in a “normal” persons mind).

Competition would benefit students more than testing, newer desks, technology, or even higher property taxes.

It is what pushes humans to be successful. It is difficult to be self-motivated enough to demand progress without competition.

Competition helps us judge one thing against another. That is why we keep score at games (except little kids’ soccer), give grades in class, and get a raise for working harder than other employees (except at schools).

Without the competitive factor, we give our best. At least what we think is our best. And that usually falls well short of what we could actually accomplish.

America is built on the idea that if you work harder then you can be better than your competition. And if you are better, you will be rewarded.

This has helped us build the greatest country in the world.

It could help us build the greatest K-12 educational system in the world. Or we can just continue to throw money at the problem.

Side note… Soccer team won 1-0 in our first game, but who is counting, because they don’t keep score. Except for the kids. They keep track to judge if they were successful or not.

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Turns Out the Soccer Gods May Get the Last Laugh.

Closests Thing I Could Find to a Soccer God.  David Beckham.My distaste for soccer has been well documented. For all of my complaining and making fun of the “sport”, my daughter continues to rank it as her favorite activity.

Maybe when she gets to her early teen years, she will meet a nice truck driver and run away from home and put this foolish soccer business behind her.

I am still hopeful that DNA testing can prove I am not her father. Time will tell. Please keep a good thought for me until the lab gets back to us with the results.

Until then, she has decided that we are going to spend our weekends at the local YMCA participating in an indoor soccer league.

Instantly, I recognized there were a few things wrong with this plan. One, it involves we (as in me). Two, the local YMCA is 25 miles away (not exactly my idea of local). And three, it’s soccer (I will continue to make the argument that anything that wants to be recognized as a sport must involve the use of hands).

Being the good father (alleged father I might add), I volunteered to help as an assistant coach of this train wreck. I figured the worst case scenario would be getting a free t-shirt out of the deal.

Shortly after I signed the entry form and made this deal with devil, the YMCA called. I was hopeful that they had gotten a hold of my criminal record and would have to deny me the opportunity of babysitting these small children for the next 10 weeks.

This exclusion as an assistant coach would be based on the fact that I was accused of a string of felonies during my misspent youth (accused, never convicted).

But sadly, no.

They were calling to inform me that I had been named head coach of my daughter’s team. I specifically put on the information sheet that I know nothing about soccer,
hated the “sport” and anyone involved with it, and that I also have anger management issues.

This evidently made me an excellent candidate and qualified me to be in charge of an entire team of 7 and 8 year olds.

I guess I should have included my drinking problem, my ADD, my penchant for cursing, and the fact that I carry a concealed weapon (hindsight is so 20/20).

During the phone call, I was told that I must attend a mandatory meeting or I will not be allowed to act as a head coach.

Don’t tempt me people.

For my daughter’s sake (at least until the test comes back), I went to the meeting. Turns out there is an entire secret society of dads who hate soccer, but will do anything for their daughters (I am assuming they are the actual fathers).

I was feeling pretty good when I realized that I was surrounded by dads who knew as little, or less than I do about Guatemala’s national pastime.

Until one of them announced he was from South Africa. Crap. He promised not to beat us too badly, but I am not going to get my hopes up. After all, he knows all the insights about the game, such as positions, rules, and strategy.

Still things didn’t seem too bad. I can hold my own with the other coaches and who cares if I lose 24-0 against the South Africans.

At least in that game there will be actual goals scored.

The only thing left to do was pick up my shirts and get my team name. The nice (and tolerant) man in charge handed me 10 black jerseys.

Yes! Crossing my lower elementary band of soccer hoodlums will be unthinkable. We will be the Oakland Raiders of the YMCA. No one (except the South Africans) will even think of messing with us.

We will roll right through our schedule. I was already considering where to put the championship trophy in my office.

Teams will rue the day when they faced us on a cold and bitter Saturday morning.

At this point, I must admit that I was almost getting excited. I was giddy with anticipation as I turned the first shirt over to see what business was lucky enough to sponsor my team (yes, at this point they had become “my team”).

Would it be a sporting goods store? Possibly a funeral home. Maybe even a liquor store. Could I get lucky and it’s the local bail bondsman?

We need to be sponsored by a big, rough and tough company so the other teams know we mean business.

I am sorry to say none of these are sponsoring us.

I turned the shirt over and much to my horror… we are being sponsored by the local Orthopedic Clinic. We are so getting our behinds kicked (literally, because you can’t use your hands).

Somewhere, soccer guy is not laughing with me, but at me.

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Being a School Principal can be Wrought with Danger.

It Looks Good.  And It's a Danger.There are a lot of good things about being a school administrator. Unfortunately, with the good there must be some bad.

This kind of symmetry makes the world of education go round. First hour and last hour. Teachers and students. Homework and recess. Boys and girls. Math class and recess. Junior high students and detentions. School days and vacation. And the good and the bad.

If this highly organized system breaks down, our schools will be overtaken by mass confusion and total mayhem (alright… more than we have now).

I love the structure of the school day. Everything happens at a certain time.

School starts at 8:00 and dismisses at 3:30. Lunch is the same time every day. The work week is Monday through Friday. Pay day comes once a month whether I need it or not.

Structure and lots of it.

Nothing ever changes, until something goes horribly wrong. Which happens by my estimation about 113 times a day, if it has been a good and unusually peaceful day.

Last week I had one of those days. By late afternoon, things had almost been going too well. It had been almost too easy. It was quiet, maybe a little too quiet.

No crisis. No excitement. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until…

….I felt a sharp pain around my neck. Apparently I was being choked.

A variety of things ran through my mind. Who could it be? So little time and so many suspects. I quickly came up with a lengthy list of possible attackers.

Was it an angry parent? Had I upset a student or possibly a teacher? Someone in the community who was not happy with me? Maybe even the home school mom who keeps emailing me, or a soccer parent, or even the chocolate milk kid who haunts my dreams.

It could be one of a thousand people I had dealt with over the years.

One’s mind races in a time like this. My entire life flashed before me.

The highlights and, as it turns out, a lot of boring parts. If I survived this vicious attack, I really need to turn up the excitement a bit (alright… a lot).

My run as a school administrator was coming to an end in about 90 seconds if I didn’t act quickly.

Then it occurred to me.

I wasn’t being choked. I had just closed the file drawer on my tie. Sad but true. At least no one will ever know.

The moral of this story is I hate ties.

The good is I survived my attacking myself with a file cabinet. The bad is I am an idiot and still a target for about a thousand people (a guesstimate… there may be more).

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NCLB. Don’t Tell Me the Problem, I Need the Solution.

I want to go on record as saying (or typing) that No Child Left Behind may not be the evil monster it is portrayed to be.

Do I like all aspects of the law? No.

Do I think it is a daily aggravation hanging over educator’s heads? Yes.

Does it carry any real weight? I don’t think anyone knows as of yet.NCLB Isn't All Bad.

Do I completely understand all of the details of the law? Probably not (but I am no more confused by it then I am; marriage, car engines, health insurance, how microwaves work, or why humans find reality shows on VH1 interesting).

What I do understand is that every profession needs rules and guidelines to encourage employees to do their best.

Without expectations it becomes easy to do an adequate job, but not a great one. When it comes to students, I think we can all agree that no one wants to settle for adequate, when great is always possible.

Everyone in education (and outside of education) understandably works harder when they are pushed to achieve more than they think possible.

It is human nature for people to rise or fall to the level of expectations. Some people are self motivated enough not to need the occasional push, but most of us are not.

When I was a kid, it didn’t take me long to figure out that I did a better job mowing the yard when I knew my dad would check on my work when I finished. I am not sure how much effort I would have put into the yard work if I knew there weren’t going to be consequences when I was done.

America is a results-based country. Athletic contests are based on who scores the most points (one reason we hate soccer… not enough points). Salespeople get paid bonuses for production. Politicians are elected by the most votes (sorry Mr. Gore, I know it still hurts). And as educators we give out grades every day.

Meeting goals and being evaluated is our way of life. Those who produce, get rewarded, and those who don’t, get passed by.

In a sentence, NCLB basically says schools have to improve themselves, or the government will come in and do it for them (technically, if it was that easy wouldn’t the government just improve them from the start?).

I understand that educators don’t want to be mandated standards that they feel are unreachable. This also makes sense to me, but yet I have never heard a counter proposal on how schools and teachers should be judged (Technically, if fixing NCLB/schools was that easy wouldn’t educators come up with adjustments to fix them, or have a plan to entirely overhaul the present system?).

Lots of people are good at pointing out problems, but it is so much harder to come up with a solution.

I try to understand the high expectations NCLB is placing on us. As a citizen, I certainly want and expect the highest (even unreachable) standards for other professions such as; airplane mechanics, construction workers, surgeons, firefighters, and fast food cooks.

You may be asking yourself, “Why did he mention fast food cooks?” Use your head people.

Administrators are Enemy #1 for high school kids as you pick up your food at the drive thru window (mental note; do not purchase fast food within 18 miles of your office desk … it is not worth the risk).

We need the highest standards possible for these angry 17 year olds working at Taco Bell (and constant video surveillance if possible).

But back to the expectations of NCLB.

Every occupation needs laws and regulations to govern them. In education we may feel overwhelmed by the federal law hanging over our heads, but I am sure Doug Heffernan had rules at IPS that he didn’t agree with (Google alert).

My point is NCLB is not the greatest law I have ever seen, but education does need rules and guidelines to follow so that all teachers and administrators work to their fullest potential, so students can reach theirs.

The only question I have left is with the War in Iraq, a possible recession, a mortgage crisis, immigration issues, terrorism, and gas prices skyrocketing… who takes over for President Bush if he doesn’t meet or exceed?

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My Dad is a Goof.

Goofy.This blog is really written by a six-year old girl. This introduction is the only thing that she didn’t do by herself. She typed the entire blog (kind of slow, but she is six). While, her typing skills need improvement, she does have a sense of humor. Also, I can live with the title, as it was originally called “How Much Would You Pay For A Dad On Ebay”.

This is my blog. I am six. I love soccer.

I have a joke.

What did zero say to eight………………

Nice belt!!!

My dad says if I get lots of comments he will buy me ice cream.
Please help me!!

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A 5 Gallon Bucket of Mayonaise Always Makes Me Happy.

I was reading a newspaper article online which stated that 94% of Americans reported they are happy with their lives.

This goes completely against what the media tells us on a daily basis. I don’t watch the news much anymore (post 9/11, because that is when they invented the annoying scroll bar at the bottom of the screen that gives us way too much information) because I am convinced that the media believes that the only way for them to get us to watch their news programs is to scare and depress us (mostly older people).

Plus, I don’t want to wait for the 6:00 newscast. I like to think that I am very busy. A high percentage of people used to watch their local news for two primary reasons: the weather and sports scores. Now, we don’t have to wait to see either."I Hate Ryan Seacrest!"

There are a lot of choices out there for information and more and more people are going to the internet for everything, including the weather and sports scores (plus there is no annoying scroll bar).

Because of these factors, news ratings only go up in the United States when something bad happens, therefore it seems the news broadcasts stories about terrible things in order to raise ratings.

I think that over the last twenty years the media has told us we aren’t happy, and America is bad, and the rest of the world hates us. Some of this is probably true, but I have three good reasons why we are happy (at least 94% of us).

Why are 94% of us happy? Reason # 1, warehouse stores. I am about to go to Sam’s and buy 6 gallons of nacho cheese for like $4.00 (don’t ask why, it would just frighten you). Because of this and the fact that I could buy a five gallon bucket of mayonnaise if I wanted, I am extremely happy.

Reason #2, no one cares about professional soccer. I have talked about this before, but it bears repeating. Other countries play soccer because they don’t have choices. We have choices and our country usually makes good ones (not counting the Pauly Shore movies, the Macarena, and Brian Dunkleman).

Simply put, we don’t play sports where the clock counts up; we are a country that counts down. If you don’t believe me when was the last time on New Year’s Eve at ten seconds before midnight you went 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10… Happy New Year. We count down soccer guy and we are happy about it.

And finally reason #3, Bill Clinton. Love him or hate him, only in America can you come from Arkansas, be part of an alcoholic, dysfunctional, poor family, go to public schools, and then get elected the leader of the largest, most powerful, free country in the world. That makes me happy because if a goofball like him is successful, it gives the rest of us hope.

Three indisputable reasons why Americans are happy, no matter what we are told. We are and will continue to be a country of predominately happy people. Just as long as we watch football, buy condiments in large quantities, and have the opportunity to elect JoeBob President.

Just don’t watch the news because they will tell you differently.

Now, go Google Brian Dunkleman, it will make you happy.

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