Does Anyone Even Know Who Bert Parks Is?

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This is Bert Parks... Former Host of the Ms. America Pageant.I have long had a theory about how each day of the week has a very specific feel. The theory is that if you didn’t know what day of the week it was, you would still know because of the day’s feel (I will be testing my theory during my retirement in 2030).

This all began with my distaste of Sunday nights. In a very weak attempt to explain this concept, I will describe each day of the week and also correlate it to what type of human being it would be (stay with me, it gets weirder).

Monday always feels like Monday. There is nothing like it. Things are hectic, nothing goes smoothly, bad things happen, and people don’t feel their best (probably why bad things happen). There is definitely a feeling that everyone gets about Mondays. When people have a bad day later in the week, they always refer to it is as “it feels like a Monday.”

If you have to choose a day to skip work or school, Mondays are in the top two. My advice is to never wear a new tie or shirt on a Monday because you have a 99.97845 percent chance of spilling something on it. Monday is an early leader for the worst day of the week (if it was human it would be a divorced alcoholic who can’t keep a job).

Tuesday is better than Monday, but it has two big things going against it. First, it follows a bad, bad day in Monday (especially if you ended up wearing your coffee). Secondly, Tuesday is a long way from Friday (it is like getting tickets to the Super Bowl and then finding out you’re sitting in the top row and can’t see squat- it is okay, but ripe for disappointment).

Tuesday has a definite feel. That feeling is there is nothing special about the day. Not a great day, not a terrible day (if it was human it would be nice, but unmarried and living in an apartment at the age of 47).

Wednesdays; now we are getting somewhere. These come along in the middle of the work week, just when you have given up hope of ever seeing another weekend.

Whoever decided our workweek would be five days long was a genius (5 days allow for the middle hump day- GO Wednesdays!!!).

It is a very good day; far enough away from hung-over Monday so we don’t dread it, but close enough to the weekend to be considered fun (human= not the coolest guy in the room, but most likely the coolest guy’s really good friend that everybody likes).

Thursdays, have us heading straight for the weekend. Thursdays are nice. At this point in the week we are all tired, but when you get to Thursday at least you can see the light at the end of the tunnel (Thursdays are like the drive to get to your vacation- not the most fun part, but at least you aren’t at work).

Thursday is historically, a very good TV night, so it has that going for it. While it will never be considered the best day of the week, it is certainly well thought of and appreciated (human = good solid neighbor who is fun at the block party, but relatively quiet after 10:00 pm and will loan you their mower, no questions asked).

Fridays are really good and you might consider them the best day of the week. Sorry, because if you do, you are dead wrong. This is because while you are ready for the weekend, you are more likely to be too tired to stay up late and you probably need to sleep in on Saturday morning.

This means the benefits of Friday should really be transferred to Saturday. All in all an excellent day, with a feel all its own. Everyone at work knows what a Friday feels like. It has the same feeling that the day before vacation has, but it comes once a week (human = your best uncle, but he has a tendency to peter out early at the party- kids remember—-you always have to pace yourself).

If you are still with me (and at this point I have my doubts), Saturdays can easily be considered the best day of the week. You don’t have to work (hopefully) and it is the farthest weekend day away from dreaded Monday. A good, solid Saturday makes all other days look pathetic.

Generally, excellent TV during the day (on the downside- the worst TV of the week at night) and lots of time to do things outside. Saturdays are great in the mornings (sleep in), great in the afternoons (free time), and you still get to look forward to Saturday night!

Saturdays are the best, hands down (Saturdays are the Miss America of days (back when people actually watched Miss America- Bert Parks we hardly knew you). No one ever has a bad Saturday, even if it rains (i.e.- refer back to good TV during the day and Mondays are so far, far away).

You will never, ever hear the phrase, “I had the worst Saturday ever, and I can’t wait until Monday.” If you do, run, because you are in the presence of a stupid person.

That brings us (those of you who are left- both of you) to Sundays. Not a bad day, but a Sunday always leads to a Monday (not good- see rambling incoherent paragraphs towards the beginning of this train wreck of a blog).

If you have a great Sunday, about 5:00 in the afternoon you will begin to dread Monday morning. Don’t get me wrong, Sundays have their moments, but too often they become bogged down in the mundane (i.e. – mowing, laundry, or grocery shopping) or you end up with obligations (i.e. – family gatherings, or catching up on work that you need to finish by Monday).

Sunday evenings go twice as fast as any other evening during the week. It is true. I have scientific proof. One moment it is 5:00 pm in the afternoon, the next thing you know it is 5:00 am Monday morning.

In reality, Sunday is only a half-day because when you pass the point of no return (mid-afternoon), you are on the fast track to Monday and the more you dread it, the faster time goes.

That makes Sunday, the Miss Congeniality of the week. They are okay (not loved, not hated- but very good in the talent competition). There is no way they will ever, ever be considered among the top five in the competition for best day of the week.

In summary, this should now all makes sense, unless there is a three day weekend which means Saturday becomes Friday, Sunday becomes a Saturday, and Monday evening becomes Sunday evening….. never mind because tomorrow is Monday and I have 4,070 school days until retirement, so I have plenty of time to perfect my theory and also shorten this blog.

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3 Responses to “Does Anyone Even Know Who Bert Parks Is?”

  1. nrb5
    on Oct 21st, 2007
    @ 8:16 pm

    Maybe we should plan more family gatherings/obligations for Saturday morning…to give Sunday a bit more of a “fighting chance”…and time for a nap…for which Sunday afternoons are best suited, anyway…

  2. Anonymous
    on Oct 22nd, 2007
    @ 11:26 am

    Ok…I honestly don’t know Bert Parks…I had to google him!

  3. Retirement is not for the Squeemish. So I have a Plan. | PrincipalsPage The Blog
    on Jul 18th, 2009
    @ 1:24 pm

    [...] think about retirement a lot. Mostly on the bad days. Almost always on Sunday evenings when I am faced with the prospect of returning to school the next morning (or running away [...]

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