My Death is Near. Roughly 13.1 Miles Away.

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A week from today I will run a half marathon.

Run is probably too strong of a word.

Crawl is probably far more appropriate (and I think you still get a medal).

As I’ve grown older, I have come to realize my time on Earth is limited.  Like all living creatures I am faced with my own mortality.

One day we are born.  One day we will die.

In between we deal with lots of crap at work.

So while it’s no surprise to me what the future holds, I have always assumed I would go out in a certain fashion.

A disease I can’t pronounce.

Being trampled in the hallway by a group of over-exuberant 1st graders.

Poisoned (I would name the possible suspects, but the list is far too long).

A victim of a beagle attack because I didn’t get him his precious bowl of dog food quickly enough (if I go out with paw prints on my throat… please have the FBI take a real hard look at Buddy the Dog).

Dying from shear boredom at a meeting (this may just be wishful thinking on my part).

Swimming lessons.

It’s hard to tell what will eventually get me, but it’s going to happen.

I just didn’t think it would come so soon.

But as fate would have it, my time here is coming to a close.

Seven short days from now I will line up with a group of strangers, a gun will go off, and about 2 hours and 30 minutes later I will die in a pool of my own sweat and tears.

Or at the very least I will wish I were dead  (please don’t judge me, there’s nothing wrong with a grown man sobbing as he tries to catch his breath as he lies face down in a gutter).

You may be asking, do I have any final thoughts?  Any last words of wisdom?  Some tidbit of guidance for new school administrators as I move on to nicer or hotter pastures.


I’ve got nothing, but troubles of my own.

But I do have a video that perfectly illustrates what I will be thinking as I run towards the bright light (jog… walk… crawl… limp… ride in a back of a medical golf cart… whatever).

My last hope is my pain brings the readers of this blog a moment or two of amusement.

Thank you for your support.  And please don’t feel sorry for me.

It’s been a good run (probably a bad choice of words).

I will see you at the finish line.  Or not.



My guess is runners will find this hilarious.  And non-runners will never take up running because of this.

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9 Responses to “My Death is Near. Roughly 13.1 Miles Away.”

  1. nbrach
    on Apr 23rd, 2011
    @ 1:47 pm

    Every time I watch this, my sides ache from laughing.
    Although I have never run in even a race, I hear this is pretty close to the truth for many. If not all of it, definitely parts of it.
    So, why again, are you doing this?
    Wishing you only the very best of luck and success!
    Your M.I.L.

  2. Beth
    on Apr 23rd, 2011
    @ 3:14 pm

    LOVE that video! I’ve run (crawled) two half marathons and I can tell you this. They are a lot more fun after they are over. Good luck on yours!

  3. Carla
    on Apr 23rd, 2011
    @ 4:11 pm

    What a crack up! You will be great and can eat whatever you want when you are done! No better feeling that this…but, beware of the “barely can walk” syndrome the next morning and be thankful for the handicap railings in the stalls!

  4. David Britten
    on Apr 23rd, 2011
    @ 6:49 pm

    Great video! You’ll do fine next week. Just run it one mile or one aid station at a time and have fun!

  5. Cyndi
    on Apr 23rd, 2011
    @ 8:56 pm

    Know how long it takes the average person to run a half marathon? The average person DOESN’T run a half marathon! Look at you go!

  6. Tim
    on Apr 24th, 2011
    @ 1:12 pm

    Good luck… glad it’s you and not me.

    Michael Smith Reply:

    @Tim, Thanks for the comment.

    Thanks for the link.

    Thanks for the laugh.

  7. wozza
    on Apr 28th, 2011
    @ 12:58 am

    Okay then Mr Smith – it’s been real. Thanks for all the memories. I will miss the blogs I guess but time is a great healer and I will move on.

    I’ll have to do a google blog search on ‘hilarious thoughts from school administrators’ and see what comes up. Not much I suspect. You leave big shoes my man.

    P.S. Regarding music for the funeral – might I suggest ‘Schools Out’ by Alice Cooper!!

    Michael Smith Reply:

    @wozza, Thanks for the great comment.

    It always pleases me when the comments are funnier than the blog.

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