My Resolutions are Officially a Failure.

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I Have Failed.  Again.

It is now official. At 9:15 a.m. my resolutions became a colossal failure. There you have it. I’m out.

Like most people, I got off to a good start. Woke up late after watching Ryan Seacrest on television (the man is a genius… no discernable talent and yet he is on TV 400 days a year).

I was quite excited to begin the New Year. So, I quickly threw down 14 Twinkies (which I bought by the case yesterday at a warehouse store for $3.00… I felt like I was stealing).

I must admit, the Twinkies went down smoothly. I thought I could get used to this gorging myself thing.

After swallowing them (they are a lot smaller than I remember as a kid), I washed them down with a small Diet Coke. I was well on my way to achieving one of my resolutions… I was going weigh 400 pounds during 2008.

But I evidently had gotten cocky. It all turned on me so quickly.

I went outside to enjoy my new hobby; smoking. I fired up the first of what was going to be several Marlboros.

Took that first long, smooth drag from the cancer stick. And threw up 14 Twinkies and a small Diet Coke right on top of a snowdrift in my backyard.

So, even with my sad little attempt to keep my 2008 New Year’s Resolutions by making them easy to attain; I have failed.

The shame I feel is overwhelming.

I have no choice but to go back to the old resolution standbys; exercise, eat right, volunteer, read more, spend time with family and friends, and get a large tattoo of Bob Barker on my lower back (don’t judge me… I love the Price is Right and his acting was genius in Happy Gilmore).

So I went for a walk. I don’t know what the weather is like in your part of the world, but it is 87 degrees below zero here (with a wind chill).

This brings me to weathermen (or women… I am okay with disliking them all).

Weather people have no idea what the weather will be like next week, tomorrow, or 2 hours from now.

Yet, they come on TV three times a day (more than Seacrest… again the man embodies everything that is right with America) and act like they have it all figured out.

If they don’t know if it is going to snow, shouldn’t their first step be admitting it? If you ask a weather person this, they say there is no way they can predict the weather long term.

Which my response would be, “Then stop putting the 7 day forecast on the screen, goofus!”

They tell us what the temperature will be (their best guess) and then what the wind chill will be. I don’t need both. Just tell me how cold it will feel when I am outside exercising.

You may be asking yourself, what does the weatherman have to do with me failing on resolutions 12 minutes after I started?

Nothing. I was just really cold on my walk.

I needed to vent. And my belly hurts from the Twinkies. And my chest feels tight.

I think I may have black lung from the one long smooth drag from that Marlboro (is that possible?).

If you work for either the Twinkie or Marlboro Corporations and need a spokesperson, I am not feeling too well so I will have to decline. You could buy advertising on this website, but I don’t think it would be the best way to spend your money.

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4 Responses to “My Resolutions are Officially a Failure.”


  1. Angie
    on Jan 3rd, 2008
    @ 1:39 pm

    Where you went wrong was with the “small diet Coke.” It should have been regular.


  2. Mary Ann Bicknell
    on Jan 3rd, 2008
    @ 7:02 pm

    Don’t feel too guilty. Most Americans don’t even make New Year’s Resolutions. Very humorous blog. Thanks for the laugh!


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