Not Fat Enough to Float.

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People continue to ask me about 2 things:  how’s Buddy the Dog and have I learned to swim?

My answers:  spoiled/sleepy and no.

The dog needs his own fan club and I still sink like a rock

If you are scoring at home, I’ve completed 4 swim lessons.The Hungrier I Am, the Better I Will Float.  In Theory.

That’s 4 straight weeks in a pool.  This smashes my old record by… well, by 4 weeks.

The good news is my coach/teacher no longer has the mortified look on her face like she did the first time we met.

I wasn’t exactly what she was expecting when I came out of the locker room.

She seems to have moved past the fact that I’m approximately 4 decades older than most of her students.

And I don’t wear a diaper.

At least not yet.

The look on her face has transitioned from disturbed to disappointed.

She’s done her best to teach me how to swim.

Sadly, her best hasn’t been good enough.

I went into this thinking swimming would be easy.

You jump in the pool, you float, you flop around, and you swim.

How hard could it be?

Turns out it’s kinda hard.

Maybe it’s easy for most people.

Sadly, I’m not most people.

She does her best to coach me up before I take off for the bottom of the pool.

She tells me exactly what my head, hands, arms, stomach, hips, legs, and feet should be doing.

She’s very specific on what I should be doing with every part of my body.

Then she says just relax and sends me off (turns out drowning isn’t that peaceful of an act). 

I get about 10 feet away and I think… “I’m tired… time to sink.”

And I do.

But just to the bottom of the pool.

I always stop there.

She thinks I need to practice between lessons.

I would, but I don’t actually own a pool.

Since all I can do in a pool is sink, it’s never really seemed like that great of an investment.

She said it would also help if I was bigger.

I said “Taller people float easier?”

She responded “No, fat people do.”

I think I’ve found my sport.  My calling if you will.

Evidently, I will be able to swim if I get fatter.

Seems odd.  One would think that fat people would sink more quickly.

But she’s the coach.  Whatever she says goes.

Time to go practice by taking a couple laps past the refrigerator.

If I want to be a great swimmer, I’m going to have to pay the price.

And the price seems to be ice cream.

This blog is in no way making fun of people who have weight problems.  It is completely making fun of my inability to do what every small child in America (or the world) can… which is swim.

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4 Responses to “Not Fat Enough to Float.”


  1. nbrach
    on Mar 14th, 2010
    @ 9:35 am

    Ok… I’m laughing.
    Seriously laughing hard.
    “…my sport. My calling if you will.”
    I give you complete and full credit for continuing on this journey to the bottom of the pool.


  2. Diane
    on Mar 14th, 2010
    @ 10:20 am

    LMAO. Too funny. I can just picture you heading straight for the bottom like a submarine. Maybe you should just try to doggie paddle instead of learning the “right” way to swim.


  3. Tammy
    on Mar 14th, 2010
    @ 2:15 pm

    Just to let you know, there are people who just sink. My husband is a prime example. I can float really well, when I was more athletically fit, I still floated well, my feet would sink, but my head would remain above water w/o me moving. I’m more fluffy now so I float a bit better. My husband, on the other hand, must always move or he sinks. Straight to the bottom. If he hyperventilates, and holds his breath he’ll float a bit, but as soon as he exhales, down he goes. It is just that way for some people. Hopefully for your lessons, you’ll learn enough that if for some reason you are tossed overboard a boat you can tread water enough to be rescued. ;)


  4. Tim
    on Mar 15th, 2010
    @ 9:21 am

    I say skip the swimming… I think it’s prime time to petition the IOC to make Ice cream eating an Olympic sport…

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