Resolution for 2011? Cheat Certain Death.

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It’s time once again to make unrealistic unreachable personal health goals.

My past list of New Year’s Resolutions can best be described as an Idiot’s Guide to Self-improvement.

One year it was to sleep more. That was easy enough. 

One year it was to take up smoking.  Although this one didn’t last long, I am willing to try it again.

Another year had me eating fewer vegetables.  Like stealing candy from a baby.

A couple years ago it was to watch more television. I don’t mean to brag, but I nailed that one (got off to a fast start on January 1 and never looked back).That's Me.  Dead.  Or Very Tired.

Last year I set my goal at learning to swim.  The jury is still out on this one.

I can sort of swim, but I also sort of sink to the bottom (if you don’t believe me… just ask me to save you).

People tell me I could swim if it was an emergency.

This doesn’t make me feel good.

First, like they know.  There’s no way they can judge the sheer level of my fear and panic when thrown overboard off a cruise ship.

Secondly, this is a test I’m really hoping to never take.

But you have to give me credit, I at least attempted to complete this resolution.

I attended every swim lesson and completely creeped my instructor out (she was used to working with 3 year olds… not 43 year olds).

I even have a certificate (suitable for framing) that says I’m not the worst swimmer she ever saw (I think she was just being nice… and encouraging me to just go away).

I feel really good about this.

This brings me to 2011.

My resolution for the upcoming calendar year is… wait for it… wait… I’m going to attempt to drag my big fat behind through a half-marathon.

Yes, that’s right.

I’m going to “run” 13.1 miles for no apparent reason other than to receive a free t-shirt (I continue to be a sucker for the free stuff… and it’s only costing me $45).

Is this resolution/goal doable?


Will I actually complete the “running” of a half-marathon?

Probably not.

Can I run/walk it? 

Maybe.  If it’s not too hot.

Is it possible to finish by hitching a ride in some sort of medical transportation device (ambulance/golf cart/hearse)? 

Ding.  Ding.  Ding.Now That's a Lot of Water.

I don’t mean to brag, but this is very likely.

So there you have it.  I’m officially on record as saying I’m going to do what only millions and millions of other people have already accomplished.

Complete a half-marathon.

Maybe even on foot.

The race is at the end of April so I still have plenty of time to weasel out.

And if I do, I have a back-up resolution.

Drink more water.

So if you need me, you will either find my hyperventilating in the gutter of a street near you (passed out from too much exercise).

Or in the school hallway holding a mega gigantic bucket of water.

Either way, I’ve got a resolution.

And isn’t that what it’s all about?

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9 Responses to “Resolution for 2011? Cheat Certain Death.”

  1. Karen
    on Jan 2nd, 2011
    @ 11:55 am

    Good Luck!!!

  2. Carla
    on Jan 2nd, 2011
    @ 6:47 pm

    Running is the best medicine. Many solutions are found while on the run. Good luck!

  3. Micki
    on Jan 3rd, 2011
    @ 12:59 pm

    Good Luck! Which half are you running?

    Michael Smith Reply:


  4. Jim J.
    on Jan 3rd, 2011
    @ 2:34 pm

    I hope you start with some 5 or 10 K’s to get your confidence up! Besides…the t-shirts look the same for most 5′s and 10′s so no one would know which distance you actually ran (NOT that I would know, or anything!). Good luck!!

  5. Diane
    on Jan 3rd, 2011
    @ 4:40 pm

    Wasn’t your goal during the swimming lessons not to die as well?

    My husband (at the age of 47) announced that he intends on running the NYC marathon this year. Have I mentioned that he’s never run in any kind of race, ever?

    I know what you should do-make a bet with your daughter that you’ll run the entire race. That should motivate you because you KNOW she’ll come up with a really good bet that you won’t want to pay off!

  6. Mark Moran
    on Jan 4th, 2011
    @ 10:47 am

    You can do it Michael! If you can find a way to drag yourself out of bed and onto the road or gym 6x a week till April, you will steadily improve, and you will attain your goal.

    I’ve run several marathons and yet somehow manage to find myself out of shape from time to time, as I do now. Here are the ten tips I wrote and constantly re-read on how to get there from here:

  7. Tim
    on Jan 6th, 2011
    @ 10:47 am

    Well, good on ya mate! I was thinking about taking up running (see “big fat behind”) but I had two problems. I am social and I observe things (To the point of irritation for my wife).

    The fact that I am social is really about the fact that I would need to have someone stronger willed than me force me to go out and run. None of my friends are runners. I’d either have to make new friends… hmmm (this idea may have some merit)…. or go it alone, which means sleep through the alarm.

    The second issue is that I have never seen anyone who looked happy while they were running. Really, has anyone ever seen a jogger or runner who looks like, “Wow! This is awesome!” Most of the runners I see look like they got up too early, after staying up too late, and despise the activity. I have a colleague who tells me that is the look of determination, but it’s closer to labor pain if you ask me.

    Happy running to you though… May you live to laugh about it all…

  8. Zipporah
    on Jan 24th, 2011
    @ 12:57 pm

    Good luck! I ran my first half marathon 2 years ago and I followed the regiment put forth by Hal Higdon: It was very helpful! I’m getting tired of the Chicago route, and being a Champaign native I’m thinking of running in the same race! I’m new to the education business and I’m enjoying reading your blog-

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