Speeding Ticket: The Prequel.

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Last week I got stopped for speeding by a Kid Cop. This little incident got me thinking about my last run in with law.

I remember it like it was 9 and ½ years ago (at my age it’s easier to remember the past then it is the present).

My ex-wife (more on that later) and I were on a date. A date to a basketball game (and you thought I wasn’t romantic).
As we were driving to the game we were running a little late (more on that later).

We weren’t actually running because she was pregnant.I Hope the Police Officer From That Day Doesn't Read This.

And by pregnant, I mean she was due to give birth any minute to at least 7 babies.

Since I’m not a doctor, you might be wondering how I knew she was so close to having a liter.

Fair question.

She was big and she was mean. Mainly mean.

Each morning she stood in front of the mirror and cursed at her pants because they were too small. In the defense of the pants, they were as big as they could be
and still be called pants.

As you read this blog, please know that she has already read the last paragraph. While I’m not positive she is my ex-wife, she did say I would be hearing from her lawyer.

And her mother.

But that is my problem. Now back to the speeding ticket.

At the time we drove a sweet 1957 Toyota Tercel. It seated up to 1 person uncomfortably.

Basically, it was a clown car, but smaller.

It wasn’t the best mode of transportation for a woman in her 14th month of pregnancy, but it’s all we had.

And she was in no shape (round) to be walking.

As I pedaled down the highway, I suddenly noticed a police car. Unfortunately, this fun fact didn’t become clear to me until the flashing red lights were following me for about 2 miles.

This didn’t make the police officer happy. In my defense it’s hard to focus on the vehicle behind you when you’re driving 87 miles per hour with your face pressed against the windshield.

As we pulled over to the side of the road, we had a few precious seconds to get our story together.

You might be thinking why not just tell the truth?

Since we were poor, we couldn’t afford the truth. Or the ticket. Or the cost of higher insurance.

So we lied.

I’m not proud of this, but I’m not unproud of it either (is unproud even a word?).

Poverty does funny things to you. Compound this with an angry pregnant woman in tight fitting pants and I knew I had to get out of this ticket.

The policeman approached the clown car and asked why we were in such a hurry.

Another fair question.

My answer… the woman sandwiched next to me in the really tiny vehichle is about to explode babies all over the highway if I don’t get her to the hospital.

This was a bit of a lie. She wasn’t due for 6 more weeks, but who in their right mind would argue with a pregnant woman crammed into a Tercel.

And tight pants.

He asked that we give him a moment. He then walked back to his car.

We had done it. We had gotten out of a ticket we couldn’t afford.

Who cares that we had probably bought ourselves some bad karma. This was a problem for another day.

Except that day came sooner than I expected. It showed up when the officer returned.

He asked me to step out of the car (no easy task if you’ve ever been to a circus).

This couldn’t be good.

Once I was out of the vehichle, he asked my wife if I was abusive.

The only thing I could think of was… don’t answer, don’t answer, give birth right now, give birth right now…

The bad news was she didn’t give birth.

The good news was she said I wasn’t abusive (of course, that was before she read this blog).

When the officer ran our license plates thru the Bad Guy Criminal System my name came up. Evidently, I had a restraining order against me.

From my wife. Because I was abusive.

Thankfully, my wife vouched for me and the officer figured out that it was a case of mistaken identity.

The person in question had the same name, but lived in a county 4 hours away.

What he didn’t figure out was that we were lying.

He even offered to escort us to the hospital.

We declined.

After all, we didn’t want to be a burden on the law enforcement community.

Especially, since she wasn’t having the baby that day. Or month.

Plus we had a basketball game to attend.

Everything worked out except for the bad karma.

I often wonder if my daughter is being punished for our lies that day. You see, she looks exactly like me.

And she would be much better off if she looked like my ex-wife.

Note from wife – not ex-wife…but don’t tempt me. I can only laugh at this because thankfully my pants are no longer tight and I don’t drive a Tercel. As for my daughter…she is perfect just the way she is (most of the time). But I distinctly remember wishing she hadn’t delayed her arrival so many days past her due date. Sigh…Sadly I did outgrow my maternity clothes.

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3 Responses to “Speeding Ticket: The Prequel.”


  1. Kelly Christopherson
    on Sep 6th, 2009
    @ 5:23 pm

    Who won the game?


  2. Chris Broody
    on Sep 12th, 2009
    @ 7:52 am

    Yeah! what happened to the game???


  3. Kelli Garner
    on Sep 25th, 2009
    @ 3:16 pm

    I enjoyed the post. Have you slowed down?

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