It’s a Small World. With a Rather Long Line.


It’s time.

Who am I kidding.  It’s past time.They Are Happy Because They Aren't Waiting in Line.

This has been weighing on me for nearly 3 weeks.

I need to get this off my chest.  I’m tired of feeling like Mark McGwire (no, not juiced up with the strength of 7 men… sick to my stomach from the constant avoidance of the subject).

It’s time to discuss our “vacation” to Disney World.

I put the word “vacation” in quotes because it was no vacation.   There was nothing “vacationey” about it.  It was work. 

Hard work.

With just a dash of stress and a pinch of exhaustion thrown in for good measure.

In this age of full-disclosure, I think it’s important to say that nobody does theme parks like Disney.  Nobody.

The food, cleanliness, employees, fireworks, parades, and did I mention the food… all were great.

It is a wonderful place to take your kids.

I have to say this because I don’t want the Mickey Mouse Mob after me.

These people are crazy.

They are the ones who return to the park year after year.  They never ever vacation anywhere else.

Disney is their shrine.

The whole situation is very cult-like.

You can always recognize them because they wear those goofy mouse ear hats (who pays good money for those things and do they wear them at home?).

Actually all of their clothes have Mickey Mouse on them.

T-shirts, jackets, sunglasses, panties… you name it (don’t ask how I know about the panties because I’m still working through those issues).

Some even have Mickey tattoos.  Disturbing, I know.

The Mickey Mob Members are constantly talking about how things have changed over the years at the “Happiest Place on Earth”.  As in “On our first trip to Disney back in 1979…”.

They are so misinformed.

The “Happiest Place on Earth” isn’t a theme park built around two mice living together in sin.  It’s the empty hallways of a school on a summer day.

Actually that’s not true.

It’s the empty hallway and an empty lounge.

Now that’s happy (at least for a school administrator in June).

Disney wasn’t the problem (again, I don’t want to anger the Mob).

But there were some other issues.  Mostly brought on by our poor planning or total lack of planning in general.

 

1.  We went to Disney the day after school got out.  Get home, pack, catch a plane.  Bad idea.  I had forgotten how tired one gets at the end of the first semester.

2.  We flew over the Christmas break.  Why didn’t someone tell us the airports were busy during this time of year.

3.  We flew during the time some genius tried to make a bomb in his underpants.  Bad idea for him.  Added stress to us (although sadly security was NO different).

4.  We went to Florida to enjoy the warm weather.  I spent most of the time in a heavy coat (but not heavy enough) and a stocking cap.

5.  We had tickets for 6 straight days of non-stop fun at the various Disney theme parks.  The fun stopped about day 3.5.

 

Now I know people from the Mickey Mob will email me and say I just don’t get it.  And they will be right.

I don’t get it.

I just don’t get why it’s so much fun to stand in line for 90 minutes to ride a ride for 90 seconds.

I don’t get why adults run across the park to get the autograph from a 20 year old intern dressed up as a mouse.

I don’t get why parents take their 8 month old to a theme park when all they want to do is cry and sleep.

I don’t get why a bottled water costs $48.

And I’m tired of arguing with the Evil Spawn about whether Goofy is a dog or not.

It’s all very confusing to me.

I need a vacation.

If you have kids (over the age of 5) you should go once.  ONCE.

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My New Year’s Resolution for 2010: Not to El Drowno.


Each year I try to provide some guidance on New Year’s Resolutions.  Generally, my advice is to not make one.

Why start off the year failing miserably… again.

Isn’t it bad enough that most of us failed the last 12 months?  Why start off the new year in the hole once again?

Half the people I know will say their resolution is to exercise more.

Who in their right mind thinks it’s a good idea to start exercising during the month of January.

It’s cold.  It’s cloudy.  It’s dark.  It’s a mortal lock that you aren’t going to run, walk, or sweat for the next 3 months.

If you feel the urge (or the peer pressure) to make a resolution, do all of us a favor and make one you can keep.

For example here was (and still is) my advice from last year’s blog:

“When I make a resolution, I try to commit myself to something that I have a snowballs chance of actually doing.

One year it was to sleep more. Check.I Don't Want to Drown.

One year it was to take up smoking. Check. Although that didn’t last long.

One year it was to eat fewer vegetables. Check.

One year it was to watch more television. I don’t mean to brag, but I nailed that one (got off to a fast start on January 1 and never looked back).

This year will be no different. The only question is to which resolution shall I commit?

I toyed with the idea of reading more, pursuing a doctorate, writing an intelligent blog, or possibly volunteering at a nursing home.

Let’s not kid ourselves. All of these are well beyond my reach.

So I have settled on the tried and true.

My resolution for 2009 is to be less fat.”

Sadly, like most of you I failed.  I’m fatter.

Not a lot more fat, just a little more fat.  But fat none the less.

My trip to Disney World didn’t help because their meals only come in one size… “All You Can Eat Buffat Style!”

And Buffat’s are never a good idea.  Even if you have Buffat Pants… stay away because the one thing they won’t serve you is self-discipline.

I am relatively confident that I can drop this weight and by January 15, 2010 I will be able to declare my 2009 Resolution a success.

So now it’s time to move on to 2010.

While my advice is not to make a resolution, even I don’t listen to myself.

So here it is….

… my resolution for 2010 is…

…wait for it…

…wait…

My 2010 Resolution is to “Not Drown!”

On the surface (or slightly below) this seems easy enough.  But it’s not.

I can’t swim.  I’m celebrating the 13th anniversary of my 29th birthday and I can’t float, tread water, or swim more than 8 feet.

I‘m the poster boy (or old man) for drowning.  But not this year.

Not with my 2010 New Year’s Resolution in place.

I am going to take swimming lessons.  So between February 1 and the end of April, I will be taking a class that guarantees that I will become a world-class non-drowner.

By the beginning of summer (if all goes well) I should have the skills that will allow me to go down the kiddie slide at my local pool (with floaties on my arms of course), land in the 3 foot shallow water, slash about like a madman, stand up, and live to tell about it.

I’m very excited.

The only downside is if I fail this class, it means I’m dead at the bottom of a pool.  Sadly, I won’t be surrounded by loved ones, just some college kid making 8 bucks an hour to teach old people what babies and dogs already instinctively know (how not to drown).

So that’s my plan.  At least until April.

Once I’ve accomplished my goal of not dying in the shallow end, I will still have 2/3 of the year to tackle my next resolution.

Speaking Spanish.

Since I’m not so great with English, it’s time to move on.

I want to be able to say certain phrases.  Like “Thank you”, “Where’s the toilet?”, “NAFTA was a bad idea”, “Before you kiss me Señorita, do you have the swine flu?” and “I hate soccer!”

So by the end of 2010, I should be less fat, a Olympic caliber swimmer, and bilingual.

Or dead.

Either way it’s going to be a big year.  Or should I say “Grande Year”.

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