• Author:
  • Published: Nov 4th, 2012
  • Category: Uncategorized

Leave My Time Alone.


It happens twice a year.Why Can't They Just Leave It Alone?

I’m not sure why, but my neverending confidence in the government tells me they must have a good reason to totally uproot my schedule.

The time change means I wake up 4 hours early to bright sunshine pouring down on me like asteriods in a meteor shower (since I wasn’t a science teacher I have no idea what I’m talking about).

Then I’m completely confused if I’m hungry or not.

So instead of eating breakfast, I reset all the clocks in the house.  I thought we had three clocks.

Turns out we have 117.

Then I need to reset the clocks in our cars.  I would love an answer to why we have two clocks within 1 inch of each other in our Ford Taurus (no charge for the free plug).

Then, I’m off to change the batteries in our smoke detectors.

Why?

Because the battery companies had a meeting and decided to tell us if we don’t change the batteries when the time changes we will ALL DIE!

They are smart.  Not as smart as the hot dog bun people who continue to sell us 8 buns for 10 hotdogs.

Actually, this isn’t true.

They sell us 16 buns for 10 hotdogs.

I can’t hate them.  Only admire.

After more time changing chores, I spend roughly the one hour I’ve gained trying to figure out why Buddy the Dog is hungry at 2 in the afternoon.

Then it occurs to me.  His stomach doesn’t change times.

For a dog who doesn’t wear a watch, he sure knows when it’s time to eat.

After all of this, I’m overrun with depression when I realize it now gets dark at 4:30 in the afternoon.

Suddenly, the school day is like working the overnight shift.  Arrive in the dark and come home in the dark.

Thankfully, there is something good that comes out of the time change.

I can spend the next week totally annoying my wife by saying what time it is and also what time it "really" is.

Thank you government.

This should keep me amused until at least Thanksgiving.

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  • Author:
  • Published: Dec 13th, 2009
  • Category: Uncategorized

That Was Awkward.


I’m sure everyone has moments where they do something so incredibly stupid they are immediately horrified and fear someone they know has seen them.

No?The Men's Room is On the Right.  Not Left.

Just me?

Alrightly then.

Then as far as you know, the following story probably did not happen.

Since Tiger Woods’s plan was to keep totally quiet about his “situation”, I’m going the other way.

I don’t want a Swedish nanny mad at me.  And trashing my new Escalade (or 2000 Ford Taurus… whatever).

A few days ago (or never as far as you know), I had to go into that den of commercialization, Wal-mart.

I also had to use the restroom.

Lucky for me, at some point Wal-mart figured out they should place the public restrooms in the front of the store.  For that they have my undying gratitude.  No more walking hurriedly or running down the aisles to reach the bathroom in back (which is like 7 miles from where you park).

Now you walk in the front of the store, greet the greeter, try not to comment on their oxygen tank, hang a left, and hit the bathroom.  All before you go and spend hundreds of dollars on things you really don’t need.

On this particular day (or not), that was my plan

So I said hello to the 85 year old greeter and headed right for the restroom.

Pushed the door open like I owned the place.  And why wouldn’t I?  I was dressed in my official school administrator uniform (suit and tie) and I looked like a million bucks (or so I thought).

There I was standing in the restroom all by myself (thankfully).

Then I noticed something wasn’t quite right.

What was it?

Was the restroom not clean?  No.

What was it?

I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Something was wrong.

It looked like a restroom.  It smelled like a restroom.

Then I noticed there weren’t any urinals.

Odd.

I wondered to myself why Wal-mart had a Men’s Room without urinals.

Weird.

So I thought, I’ll just use the stall. 

Bad idea.

As I went to push open the first stall door, it occurred to me.

Oh, crap!!!  I yelled to myself inside my head (probably not the best choice of words in a restroom situation).

This wasn’t the Men’s Room.

It was the Ladies Room.

My second thought was… so this is how my career in school administration ends.

I knew it would happen eventually, but much to my surprise it was coming to a close in of all places… the Ladies Room at Wal-mart.

I had to get out of this situation and quick.

So I backtracked like no one has ever backtracked.

I immediately threw the door of the ladies room open just in time to bump into a gentlemen who was headed to the correct bathroom.

He said, “What are you doing in there?”

I said “Not using a urinal”

Thankfully, he laughed.  And didn’t call security.

I have never been so relieved (another bad choice of words) to be in the right restroom.

And unlike Tiger Woods I’m getting out ahead of my awkward situation.

 

Note from Editor and Chief “AKA Wife”.  As I was proofreading this post (and NO I didn’t know of this “incident”) it brought to mind the men’s restroom in our school’s office.  We have a separate single women’s restroom and men’s restroom available for faculty use.  The women’s restroom is usually occupied since our staff is 95% female.  Sadly, the women on our staff do not think twice about using the men’s “available” restroom when the women’s is unavailable.  My guess is that our 5% male staffers probably do not appreciate this and would NEVER EVER be caught dead walking out of the women’s bathroom… unless it happens to be a certain male writer of this blog. ;)

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