The Snow Day Has Violated Me.


Snow Days Used to be so Peaceful.The glorious snow day used to be an all day celebration of sleeping in, overeating, watching bad TV, and taking at least 3 coma-like naps.

Now it is dead to me.

I can’t look at it, speak of it, or think about it.

I have been crossed and jilted for the last time. I feel dirty and used. I am not going to lie, I could use a shower.

You see, I used to be in charge of our snow day schedule.

I decided what time we rolled over in bed and turned on the television. I decided that we finally needed to shower around 4 in the afternoon. I even helped make the traditional dinner of freshly baked brownies covered by vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup (aka: a Hot and Cold Treat… if you haven’t tried it, you should).

As a snow day came to an end, I would decide when we needed to put our belly aches to bed. Often times it was around 7:30 pm (you can’t nap that long while mixing in bowls and bowls of junk food without getting stomach cramps…and the only thing that will fix stomach cramps is 12 straight hours of shut-eye).

Now these powers that I cherished for so long have been ripped away from me.

Ruling the snow day was my last bastion of power.

My reign is over.

The one I helped create has tossed me aside like a piece of trash.

My daughter is now in charge.

It started yesterday when she woke up shortly after 9:00 am. Within 2 minutes of crawling out of bed and making her way to the couch, she announced “I’m bored.”

I should have recognized that by making this statement she was insane, but I didn’t.

The look in her eyes should have told me I was dealing with a full blown case of the crazies, but admittedly I am a little slow on the uptake.

I compounded my mistake by engaging her in conversation.

I simply should have walked away, but I didn’t.

Being the genius I am, I asked what she wanted to do.

She certainly has lots of options: TV, Wii, books, coloring, crafting, going outside, playing games on the computer… the list goes on and on.

Of course all of these are boring. She is living the life I could have only dreamed of, but 2 minutes into a snow day she is bored out of her mind. Must have been nothing to watch on the 842 TV stations that I provide for her.

Her solution. Have a friend over.

What?

Did she just say what I think she said?

Having loser friends over is not on the list of pre-approved, very quiet and restful snow day activities. What happened to watching Regis? Or more importantly, watching Kelly? Or spending an hour catching up on the sad an pathetic life of an 80’s hair band?

Did they all waste their money on cheap beer and cold women (or vice versa)?

I thought we had an understanding in this house.

All of a sudden it is like the Wild West. Every man and child fighting for the snow day power.

What was wrong with bad TV, naps, and Hot and Cold Treats? We had a system. I though everyone was happy. And by everyone, of course I mean me.

But, it gets worse.

In her crazy power grab, she decided that 1 friend running/screaming around our house wasn’t annoying enough. She needed 2 friends to help her break out of her abyss of boredom.

This is a child who revels in the fact that she doesn’t have any brothers or sisters. She doesn’t want one because they might touch her stuff or change the channel as she watches the same SpongeBob episode for the 57th time.

And yet, she wants friends over all the time.

This doesn’t seem fair to me.

At least if they were my kids I could punish them. Or smack them upside the head when their mother wasn’t looking.

Needless to say she won this battle. And now that I think about it, every other battle.

So this became my snow day.

Dodging three 2nd graders who spent 6 straights hours of running and screaming. And screaming and running.

Most of the time they weren’t even running after each other or screaming for a reason. Just indescribable movement and noise.

I don’t mind admitting that my ears are sore.

The sad part: I am paid good money at school to keep hundreds of children under control.

Rule #1 – no running and no screaming.
Rule #2 – see Rule #1

Yet at my house these simple rules are mocked. And I am in charge of nothing.

So my lifelong friend the snow day has left me forever. Or at least until my daughter and renegade friends leave for college.

In the meantime, I hope we have school tomorrow. I need the peace and quiet.

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You Don’t Own a TV? What’s All Your Furniture Pointed At?


Sadly, this isn’t my quote. I wish it was. It would be nice to be this witty.

It came from that man genius Joey Tribbiani on an episode of Friends (and Tweeted by Scott Elias, an assistant principal in Northern Colorado… good luck on that doctorate degree).

Actually, I guess Joey didn’t really come up with it. Or Scott. It was undoubtedly from a writer on the show.No TV?  That's Crazy.

Most likely the writer in question was really skinny and quiet in school. I bet he (or she) wore black a lot, read a ton of books, and watched hours of TV. I am guessing he always got C’s and D’s in English. Every parent teacher conference likely ended with the teacher telling his parents… “If he would just apply himself.”

Some teachers may have even pegged him as a colossal failure. And look at him now. Living in Hollywood, writing for a hit TV show (although now possibly unemployed), and getting quoted in a major educational blog (yes, I mean this one…).

Turns out he was probably just bored in high school.

I have been thinking about hiring someone like this to ghost write my blog. Let’s be honest, they could certainly do a better job. Plus, it would free up some time for me (I am so behind on my naps).

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked how one becomes funny. What kind of question is that?

How do I know? And if I did, I am not sure I would have told them.

Seems to me this information could be valuable (as I write this, I am doing my best Dr. Evil laugh… mwahahahaha… which reminds me, I need a cat).

If I knew how to be funny, I might teach a class on it. Maybe start a website. Possibly even write a book or a blog. A guy needs paid after all.

Obviously this person who asked the question is not a reader of the blog. If he was he would certainly be asking someone else.

I don’t know what makes funny.

This conversation did get me to thinking.

Why are some people funny and others are not? Or is everyone funny, but we only recognize it if they share our sense of humor type?

Or are some people just cursed with a non-funny gene? Is it possible to go through life and be 100% non-funny? Maybe I should ask Carrot Top?

Should we take these people and teach them funny? Or should we drop them on an island out in the middle of nowhere (as if most islands aren’t in the middle of nowhere?) so they don’t drag the rest of us down?

I say this because I prefer students in school who are funny. There is just something about them that makes them interesting.

They seem to get it (and I have no idea what “it” is, but I recognize it when I see it).

These students are the ones that don’t take themselves too seriously.

The ones that can make a joke and more importantly take a joke.

The ones that aren’t offended by every little comment.

These are the ones that I look forward to seeing in the hallway.

It seems to me that with funny comes a smile and a positive attitude. You can’t really be depressed and funny.

I am willing to bet that funny people even make more money over the course of their careers than people who aren’t funny (mental note: do an elaborate study on funny and money).

Maybe we should add a Funny Class to the list of things that we teach kids in school. After all, we teach them how to drive a car, act appropriately, play sports and countless other things.

One more class on the schedule shouldn’t be a problem.

Especially if the students make us laugh.

Down the line this could benefit all of us.

We would have a much more productive and a happier society (and possibly graduates who make more money… I will let you know when the study is complete… or maybe Scott could do it for his doctorate??).

Maybe, just maybe one of these newly-educated students in funny will graduate and take over this blog?

And I could nap. Seems like a win-win to me.

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