Werewolves, Pop-Tarts, and Junior High Boys.


Werewolf... or... Junior High Boy????There are many great mysteries of the world that continue to confuse me.

They include: David Caruso’s total lack of acting ability; how microwaves work; why people pay $57 dollars for a cup of coffee at Starbucks; and how a thermos keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold. How does it know which type of liquid is inside? I could go on and on, but you get the point.

But the biggest mystery in the entire world continues to be why Junior High kids act so squirrely when there is a full-moon.

Actually, it is any student K-12, especially kids within a half mile radius of where I am standing. This has been studied by scientists. Honest. It is like I am a magnet.

I am convinced that they have inner radar that allows them to search out and attempt to destroy the good nature of school administrators.

Sometimes I think several days before a full-moon, parents devise a plan.

It is my understanding, from sources I am not at liberty to name, that they get the kids all hopped-up on caffeine and candy, force them to stay up until 4:21 a.m., then turn around and make them get up and eat an early breakfast of Pop-Tarts, Cocoa Puffs (or any other cereal sold on the bottom shelf), breakfast burritos and a giant ice-cold glass of CRAZY.

And then they do the unthinkable. They put them on a bus and send them to school knowing good and well, that you never send your kids out in public when they have just consumed a big glass of CRAZY.

But this is only the beginning, the real fun is about to ensue. By fun, I don’t mean fun, I mean nightmare. Yes, that’s the right word for junior high kids with too much caffeine and a full-moon overhead.

Bus troubles, locker room incidents, touching each other in the hallway, noises (don’t ask), inappropriate language, etc.

I don’t want to focus only on the negative and be the “glass of CRAZY is half-full” type of guy. There is some good news.

One, it only lasts for one day (granted they can be long days and you will age several years during this 24 hour period, but if it wasn’t this, it would be something else), and two, it is job-security. No matter how advanced our society becomes, there will always be a need for a school administrator to stand in the hallway to make sure junior high boys don’t shove each other.

If you don’t believe me, mark the next full-moon on your calendar (the technical term for this is- “scientific study”).

Be warned though, some months it is the actual full-moon day. However, sometimes just to mess with you, the kids will be extra jumpy the day before the full-moon.

During the course of my extensive studies on this matter, I have also noticed that the day of the week can help or hurt your cause on this event.

Monday full-moon, manageable. Tuesday or Wednesday, you can survive. Thursday, things are going to get a bit more complicated. Friday full-moon with an afternoon assembly, every man, woman, and child for themselves.

On a short week, Wednesday or Thursday can actually become a Friday. A week with no Monday throws everything back a day. I would go on, but you would need scratch paper if I go into any more details.

The #1 worst case of all time is- if you live in a part of the country where snow is not the norm, and you get 2 inches during school on a full-moon day…well, my advice is to look into another occupation. Something less dangerous like: timber cutters, fisherman, or pilots (Google “most dangerous jobs”).

Trust my theory, as I have seldom lied to you before. Try keeping track on your own calendar. After about three months, you too will recognize this as one of the greatest mysteries of the universe.

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