Germ-X Generation.

The world works in a very specific way.  There’s a definite plan in how things should go.

If certain things don’t happen, it is very likely the Earth will spin off its axis and slam right into a 1998 Ford Focus.

And none of us want that (especially if the Focus isn’t insured).

Dogs are supposed to bark at cats.  The Chicago Cubs are supposed to disappoint their fans each summer.  Gas prices are supposed to rise for no apparent reason 4 days before a holiday.

And most importantly, junior high boys, without exception, are supposed to push each other for no other reason than they are junior high boys.

Truth be Told, I'm a Big Fan of the Germ-X.

The universe needs these things to take place. 

This time of year is no different.

It’s fall. Which means certain things are supposed to happen.

Football starts.  The weather gets colder.  Leaves turn colors. And we all get the flu.

That’s how it goes.  That’s how it’s supposed to be. 

Any deviation from this very specific chain of events and we are asking for trouble.

Don’t mess with it and don’t question it.

You cross Mother Nature (or whoever is in charge) and you may get slapped upside the head (don’t kid yourself… Mother Nature has a mean streak).

I’m no doctor, but during this time of year I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to get sick.

It’s our right as _______________ (fill in your country of origin here).

Our children need to get sick.

They have to get sick.

Something about building up their immune systems, so they are stronger and healthier as adults.

When I was a kid (a long time ago in a land far far away), we got sick and we liked it.

Actually, that’s a lie.  We didn’t like it.

Who wants to spend all day at home, lying in bed, not watching TV, years in advance of the invention of video games? 

Not fun.  Not fun at all.

If we were sick, we had to do it quietly and out of sight.

It wasn’t a free day (sometimes our parent yelled at us for being sick… it was a different time…).

So consequently, we wanted to get better and go back to school.

But things are different today.

We live in fear of our children being around germs. 

They drink bottled water as opposed to taking a gulp from the neighbor’s garden hose.

They don’t eat food that has been on the floor for less than 5 minutes (the 5 second rule is for sissies).

We constantly have them washing their hands.

When I was a kid, we washed our hands once a week (if we had time… and the money to afford water).

In today’s world, we do everything in our power so our kids don’t have to suffer. We will go to any lengths to protect them.

From their teachers, principals, peers, own lack of ambition, work, responsibilities… the list goes on and on.

We want them to live in a bubble where nothing can touch them.

Now we are constantly trying to save them from germs.

My concern is how are they going to survive when they are adults.

Germ-X can’t save them from themselves.




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Airplanes Are Giant Tubes of Infection.

Say Hello to Mr. Germ.

This may be my best blog title ever.

Or the most disturbing.

Now that I think about it, it’s probably both.

When I flew to Miami, my main concern was not crashing into anything (primarily the ground).

If you haven’t flown a lot, let me break it down for you.

Flying isn’t bad.

Flying into the side of a mountain is bad.

Please feel free to share this travel tip with your friends (no charge).

As I traveled across this country there was a lot of talk about the swine flu.  I’m not exactly sure what all the excitement is about because I didn’t see a single pig who looked nauseous.

But, I did see hundreds of humans who are gross.

Schools work very hard to teach students personal cleanliness.  This is good.

We then send them home to adults who are disgusting.  This is bad.

I noticed that many adults don’t cover their mouths when they cough (use your arm people).  They sneeze into their hands and then touch every public object within 200 feet.  Worst of all, they use public toilets but not public sinks.

Call me crazy.  Call me a germaphobe.  Call me paranoid.

But who doesn’t wash their hands after they use the restroom?  Especially when they are about to board a plane.  The same plane on which I am boarding.

And trapped in.

For 3 hours.

It’s sick when you think about it…

…sitting among 120 perfect strangers who couldn’t find a bottle of Germ-X if you slapped them upside the head with it.  I’m no scientist, but I’m guesstimating there had to be at least 18,407 germs on the plane.

There could have been more, but I avoided the restroom.

The germs are everywhere.  In the air, on the seats, and stuck to the pages of the airline magazines that are shoved in the back of the seat (next to the barf bags).  If that isn’t enough, there is a germ festival taking place all over those “complimentary” blankets.

Do you know why the blankets are free and an extra small bag of pretzels costs 3 dollars?

Because even the airlines realize they can’t rent those disease-laden blankets for a quarter.  Trust me, if they could, they would.

The good news is I’ve been back from my trip for 3 whole days and I’m still breathing (without a ventilator).

This has come as a total shock to me.

I was convinced I would have some sort of a disease by now.  At the very least a disorder that involves drooling and a facial tick.

Evidently I wasn’t meant to be sick.

I’m as healthy now as when I boarded the Flying Infection Tube (which was delayed 2 hours by the way… even germs aren’t on time).

I’m a lucky man.

At least this time.

My advice… the next time you travel by plane, don’t worry about the landing.  Worry about the free blanket.

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