Television Shows Should Be 9 Minutes Long.


So Sleepy.  So Old.I don’t mean to brag, but there was a time when I could watch 17 straight hours of television and never leave the couch (not to eat or… well you know).

During my youth, I could easily watch 3 movies back to back to back and not even blink.

Now?

Now I can’t look at a TV screen without being overcome with the feeling that I’ve just ingested a 72 oz glass of anesthesia (which would be smaller than the mega gigantic sodas they sell kids at convenience stores… can we make these illegal already?).

There’s something about life after the age of 40 (if you can call it a life). People warned me unexplainable aches and pains would show up when I reached this advanced age.

They were right.

What they didn’t tell me was that I would doze off after watching half a commercial.

People ask me what my favorite show is and I tell them I have no idea. I haven’t seen an entire television program in at least a decade (is Happy Days still on?).

My life can be broken down into two distinct eras. The years of my youth when I was alert and focused and on top of my game.

I call those The Golden Years (I just made that up).

And now my life is a pathetic existence where I spend my days just waiting for an opportunity to rest my eyes for only a quick second.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t like where this is headed (life never seems to end well).

I’m turning into an old person who eats dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon so they can be in bed by 6.

Of course this means I will be awake at 2 o’clock in the morning so I can sit at the kitchen table and wait for the newspaper to arrive.

The newspaper that no longer exists.

Sad.

Not about the newspapers.

Me.

During the course of writing(?) this blog, I took two naps. Seriously.

Even sadder, school will start soon and the kids in each grade will be the exact same age they were last year. Me on the other hand

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Kids Are Soft.


The kids today have it way too easy.

They’re spoiled, lazy, and soft.

And I’m officially old when I write(?) how kids these days are spoiled, lazy, and soft.

As I watch students walk (or run) down the hallway, I’ve noticed their school supplies are much nicer than what I had in the early 80’s.

They are also more expensive.

Fancy binders.The Evil Spawn's 2010 Lunchbox.

Mechanical pencils.

Glue sticks.

Highlighters.

Book bags with wheels.

State of the art lunchboxes.

I can live with the binders, pencils, etc., but I have to draw the line when it comes to the new–fangled book bags/luggage and lunchboxes/coolers.

When I was a kid (I’m actually becoming older and older as I type this…), we didn’t have $60 book bags.

With or without wheels.

Kids driving their books down the hallway drives me crazy.  My luggage should be as nice as their book bags.

We carried our books underneath our arms like God intended (that’s if we took books home… and we didn’t). 

How are today’s kids ever going to feel the embarrassment of dropping 7 textbooks, 4 folders, and 114 papers in the middle of a busy street if they have a book bag?

This is a rite of passage that all children should be forced to enjoy.

We are cheating our kids out of one of life’s most precious moments.

You haven’t lived until the wind is howling at 40 miles an hour and you’re chasing your math homework across a busy intersection (and all the other kids are looking and pointing at you… not that this ever happened to me…).

If that wasn’t bad enough, we are also creating a generation of children who don’t understand how to keep their lunches cold.

It’s not that complicated.

You freeze a can of soda.

We did this.

We did this because we had to.

And we liked it.

Put the can in the freezer the night before, wrap it in tinfoil, and bingo… instantly cold lunch (and sadly, sometimes soggy).

There weren’t any lined lunch containers when we were kids.

We didn’t need them (actually we might have needed them, but we couldn’t afford them).

We had two choices.  A brown paper sack or metal box covered with pop-culture (and rust).

Poor kids used a brown sack (me).  Even poorer kids were forced to recycle the brown sack each day to be used for an entire week (my wife… who is still working through this issue).

The rich kids had a Scooby-Doo, Evil Kneivel, or Happy Days lunch box.

The really rich kids had a KISS or Star Wars lunch box (with matching Thermos I might add… ).

Today’s kids have lunchboxes with zippers, levels, containers, and water bottles that look like works of art (Exhibit A:  The Evil Spawn’s lunchbox in the picture).

I still have a brown paper sack (and the sad part is I have a job).

I think today’s kids are soft.

Kids think I’m old.

We are probably both right.

One of the great mysteries of my life… How does a Thermos work?  Hot stuff hot.  Cold stuff cold.  It’s magic.

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Thanksgiving is Over, TV Stinks, and I Have a Man Crush.


Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs.Now that Thanksgiving is over, I thought I would watch some TV. Turns out there is nothing on, because television stinks.

What other industry in the last 20 years has grown and diversified like television, but has steadily gotten worse?

I think we were all better off back in 1980 when I was a kid. We lived in the country and had a TV antenna that provided us with four television stations. Of course this could change if it was raining, then we might pick up additional stations or have none at all- it was a roll of the dice.

Maybe I am getting old and cranky (who am I kidding?….maybe?… more like definitely), but I think TV was better when we had less choices.

I have no idea what is on TV tonight, but I can still remember what was on when I was 12 or 13. That would have been somewhere around 1979 or 1980 (please feel free to check and see if my memory is as good as I want to believe it is- although I can never find my truck keys or remember what day of the month it is).

On Sundays, I watched Disney’s Wonderful World, Chips, and Trapper John M.D. I would have preferred staring at Charlie’s Angels, but my mom considered that pornography. She was right, but I would have still loved to have a Farrah Fawcett poster or t-shirt (for you youngsters- she was hot before bad plastic surgery and the insanity set in).

Mondays were all about That’s Incredible and Monday Night Football. Where have you gone John Davidson and Fran Tarkenton? The football game was a huge deal, because this was before you could watch 20 pro and college games every week on TV.

Arguably, Tuesdays were the best television night of the week. Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, and Three’s Company (funny and rude, although I didn’t get the rude part back then- evidently my mom didn’t get it either or this would have also been considered pornographic).

Wednesdays brought us Eight is Enough or Real People, Different Strokes, and Facts of Life (this was before all the kids on these shows were on drugs). As I got older, I would also watch Vegas or Quincy (Quincy was old, grouchy, and cool- he was CSI before Grissom).

Thursdays were the next best thing after Tuesdays. Our viewing choices were Mork and Mindy, Bosom Buddies, and Magnum P.I. (man those guys were cool- although in retrospect, Magnum’s shorts could also be considered pornographic).

Four words sum up Fridays- The Dukes of Hazzard. Magnum was cool, but couldn’t hold a candle to Bo and Luke. They gave country boys the hope that they too could be cool (all we needed was a fast car and some flannel shirts- scratch that we already had the flannel). Plus they had Daisy and that in combination with puberty was a recipe for disaster. It is my understanding that “Daisy Duke” in French means- pornographic.

Saturday was Barbara Mandrell and her less talented sisters (dad controlled the TV on Saturdays). Don’t even get me started on Hee Haw (Sunday nights I think- maybe that is why I still dread Sunday nights- this is like therapy).

Back then TV had fewer choices, but I think it was so much better. When you went to school everyone had watched the same thing, so we all had that in common. Maybe having 500 stations isn’t such a great idea.

HD is nice, but it doesn’t make a bad show any better.

Now that I am older and have all of these stations to watch, I have no idea what is on.

The only day I even feel the need to watch is on “Man”day’s (that is Monday for those of you who don’t live in my house). Prison Break, Heroes, and 24 are the only shows I have to watch. Except for…

my friend, my pal, my hero, my man crush- Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs. If he is on, I am watching. If you have no idea who I am talking about, you have my condolences on the sad and pathetic life you are stumbling through.

Mike Rowe is a hunk of man candy and without a doubt a genius. He goes around the country helping regular people do their terrible, often unappreciated jobs and he gets paid (I am guessing a lot) for it.

I wish he was my neighbor, but it is probably for the best that he isn’t. I would stalk him and he would probably never be home anyway.

There are a ton of bad jobs out there for him to shadow. And as long as there continues to be 500 stations with nothing on, there will always be a place for Mr. Rowe.

And with my luck, my next neighbor will be Mr. Roper or Ralph Furley.

Please feel free to Google: John Davidson, Fran Tarkenton, Mike Rowe, Mr. Roper, Ralph Furley, or any other pathetic 80’s or TV references that I have made. I am sure you won’t be alone. Please don’t Google pornography on my time. Thank You.

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