I have spent the last week watching the coverage of the Presidential Primaries (in writing this sentence it just occurred to me that I need more hobbies).

I have touched on this subject before, and I still think we might be better off electing a 4th Grade Teacher President (or not, it was just a thought).

In watching and listening to the candidates, especially the Democrats, I realize that our presidential elections aren’t vastly different from how a student body in a school elects a Student Council President.

Both are based on first impressions, likability, and who is most popular.

You may be (or not) asking yourselves, “Why isn’t he discussing the Republicans?”

Simple, the last time I counted there were 301,139,947 people in the United States (for those who continue to not trust me, Google it). Out of all the people in America, the best candidate the Republicans can come up with is named Huckabee?

How are other countries supposed to take us seriously if we are led by a President Huckabee? It sounds like a grocery store (stop by your local Huckabee’s… big sale on Cantaloupe, Double AA batteries, and 12 packs of Sierra Mist this weekend).

I am sure he is an intelligent, well-intentioned, nice man, but he reminds me a little bit of Huckleberry Hound (in looks and in name).

Back to the Democrats, I guess there are 3 that have a chance to win.

John Edwards, the candidate who reminds me of the rich, smart, athletic kid in school. Nice enough guy, but just because you say you’re “just one of the guys” doesn’t make it so. If you drive a Mercedes to school, I have a hard time relating to you as I park my 1975 four-door light blue Mercury Monarch (best car I ever bought for $1200).

Why is it that millionaire-politicians (usually lawyers) think they can take off their suit jackets and roll up the sleeves of their $300 dress shirts and they become “just one of the guys” down at the Big Tom’s Sandusky Auto Plant (Google it)?

Edwards would get a lot of votes in a Student Council election; at least until someone more popular and better looking decides to run. Sometimes in life and school, it is not how good, smart, or athletic you are; but how good, smart, or athletic the other students are in your class.

Then you have Hillary Clinton. I am sure that she is well-intentioned, incredibly smart, and very ambitious. But, she seems like the mean girl.

In high school, I might have just voted for her out of fear. Don’t want to cross the Clinton girl; if she doesn’t get your vote, she could give you a look in the hallway that could make a grown man cry.

And lastly, the Democrats have Barack Obama. You can make the case that his name is weirder than Huckabee’s. But in life and high school, sometimes the more different you are; the cooler you become (this is why the new kid who moves into the district is generally really popular; at least for their first week in school).

Obama is everything a Student Council President needs to be so they can become elected; athletic, charming, well spoken, and nice to all the different groups of kids. Teachers and coaches would love him.

I really have no idea where all 3 stand on issues. I am sure like most politicians they are for old people, health care, education, lower gas and razor blade prices, and protecting our country without putting young soldiers at risk (but I always think… aren’t we all?).

So, there is my argument that getting elected Student Council President and President of the United States takes exactly the same qualities.

I have no idea who will win, or whom will receive my vote.

But, as of right now, I am pulling for the smart, nerd kid Dennis Kucinich. It is about time someone who isn’t wealthy, athletic, or in the cool group gets elected Student Council President…

… I mean President of the United States.

Comments: 10
Tags: Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, John Edwards, President, Presidential Primaries, student council

I have lots of theories (as you may have noticed). My latest is the people of the United States vote for President just like they choose a fourth grade teacher for their oldest child.

Sure it sounds crazy at first glance, but trust me, I am on to something (and I have the facts to prove it).

The political pundits (I want one of those jobs where I get paid for spouting off my insane opinions) try and convince us that we elect a President after a lot of thought, watching the debates, and three years of seeing these yahoos give speeches to 12 people in Iowa and New Hampshire.

They act like we must be in total agreement with candidate’s thoughts on abortion, gun control, the death penalty, education and even their thoughts on America’s role in the world.

These pundits sit around on TV on Sunday morning (I am so jealous) and tell us how we will back a certain candidate based on their religion, their voting record in Congress, or even their choice of Vice Presidential running mate.

They think we can be swayed by the candidate who raises the most money, has the most commercials, or gets endorsed by the right newspaper or union.

Politicians think we vote for them based on whether they are a Democrat or a Republican, how they look on TV, or if they are from our part of the country.

Nope.

We vote for the Presidential candidate exactly like we choose our child’s fourth grade teacher. Whichever one is the least creepy, acts like they have classroom control and is the most fun.

I could argue this point, but I will let history make my argument. Take a look at the following 5 Presidential Elections and tell me who you would rather have as your kid’s teacher.

2004 Bush vs. Kerry- regular guy wins over snobby guy (at the time of the election, who would you rather have had a parent-teacher conference with? That’s easy: the down home, regular guy, with a librarian wife – Mr. Bush).

2000 Bush vs. Gore- tough one. (toss up, hope the year goes fast and your child makes it to 5th grade without any permanent damage. If we knew back then that Mr. Gore was Mr. Environment, it would have been an easy decision- everybody loves the science guy, Bill Nye!)

1996 Clinton vs. Dole- fun guy (you can define fun), beats cranky old guy. Your son/daughter would have never forgiven you for putting them in Mr. Dole’s class (that’s a long year with a lot of yelling).

1992 Clinton vs. Bush #1- young hip teacher vs. grandpa who is counting down the days to retirement.

1988 Bush #1 vs. Dukakis- war hero vs. nerd riding around in a tank. Don’t tell me that Mr. Dukakis’s class wouldn’t have been a zoo (lots of note taking and boring lectures).

1984 Reagan vs. Mondale- really cool teacher with experience vs. a guy who subs a lot and makes everyone a little nervous.

I could go on and on with my full-proof political Presidential theory, but I think I have made my point.

Now that I have shared my theory, you should know who our next President will be.

Just ask yourself who would make the best 4th grade teacher: Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Romney, Mr. Obama, Mr. Giuliani, Mr. Edwards, Mr. Thompson, or Mr. McCain?

The answer is so obvious.

Comments: 7
Tags: Barack Obama, Fred Thompson, Hilary Clinton, John Edwards, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Rudy Guiliani