Are Teachers So Dry They Need Buckets of Lotion?

Every year school ends.Teachers Love Apples!

And every year my wife comes home with a U-haul truck full of lotion.

That’s just how she rolls (don’t judge her).

Being a fourth grade teacher has many challenges.

One being how can she possibly drink out of the 1,412 “#1 Teacher” mugs she has received over the course of the last decade.

Trust me, I’m not exaggerating.

I’ve counted them.  She has 1,412.

If you don’t believe, stop by our next yard sale.

It’s buy one mug, get 1,411 free.

Now, if you are a high school teacher this blog is making little or no sense.

That’s because at a certain point students stop buying gifts for their teachers.

So if you are a high school teacher and you’re reading this blog while drinking out of a “#1 Teacher” mug… stop it.

Because you evidently purchased it for yourself and that’s just wrong.

And creepy.

Everyone knows you can’t self-proclaim yourself the “World’s Greatest Teacher”.  Only 7 year olds can do that.

Those teachers who receive gifts know they can be broken down into two specific groups. 

Group 1:  Things you put on your body. 

This would be your lotions, nail polish, perfume, scarves, t-shirts, jewelry, and the ever popular any clothing item with an apple on it.

Group 2:  Food or Drink.

This is your coffee mugs, candy, homemade cookies, fruit baskets, and gift certificates from the students favorite restaurant (you see, elementary kids love McDonald’s way more than teachers).

I know parents sometimes stress out over what gift to buy their child’s teacher at the end of the school year.

I have a suggestion.


Nothing says “Thanks for tolerating my kid for 7 hours a day so I don’t have to" like straight stone cold cash.

Of course, I’m kidding.

Most parents can’t afford to give teachers enough cash to cover an entire school year worth of suffering.

So what should they do?

I haven’t a clue.

But I do know the Evil Spawn just completed (barely) her 4th grade year in my wife’s class.

And I don’t have a gift.

I’m thinking maybe a mug.  Or a five-gallon bucket of lotion.

Or better yet, a mug that says “World’s Greatest Mom and Teacher” filled with lotion that smells like apples.

She’s going to love it.

Note from wife/teacher of the Evil Spawn:  I really scored this year with one of the best gifts ever…iTunes gift card…cha-ching!

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School is Making Me Sick.

And by “sick” I mean…sickeningly FAT!

It’s become apparent to me that school isn’t good for my health.

And no, it’s not the swine flu.  Although that’s not helping.

It’s the food.

And no, it’s not the food in the cafeteria.I Don't Feel Well.  Or Look That Great.

It’s all of the other food.

Birthdays, holidays, early dismissals, donuts, fake holidays (Bosses’ Day), people baking for no apparent reason, concession stands, Halloween candy, Christmas cookies, vending machines, lunch meetings, breakfast meetings, and meetings just to get together to eat for no apparent reason.

It’s all very exhausting.

And fattening.

I used to eat better at school than I did at home.  Now, it’s just the opposite.

My world is upside down.

School is supposed to be good for you.  Now it’s just one sugar-laced treat after another.

The world of food has improved greatly for students.  The government has “encouraged” us to take out or limit access to pop machines.  We’ve put breakfast programs in place to make sure kids have a good meal to start the day.

We provide lunches with healthier choices.

We limit access to candy bars and chips.

Yet, it is getting worse by the day for adults.

And more importantly (in my mind at least), for me.

10 years ago I could lose 19 pounds during the course of the weekend.  This was accomplished by not Super Sizing my meal(s) at McDonald’s.

Now I gain weight after drinking a glass of water.

How do I know this?

Because I weigh after big meals. 

Which occur on a weekly basis at (of all places…) school.

This isn’t right.

School is supposed to be where you take your lunch.  Where you eat fruit.  Where you don’t snack.

Not a place where you eat 14 cookies, 3 cupcakes, and 8 snack size candy bars during your mid-morning snack.

School is undermining my good diet and exercise program.

I need some structure.  Not a food free-for-all.

Actually, I need some self-discipline.  Any chance someone can leave a cake pan full of that in the lounge?

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School Should Be More Like Children’s Museums.

The trip (free by the way… have I mentioned that?) continues.

The NECC Conference is going great… so I hear.

Although I do see a lot of people with convention badges not actually attending the convention. Which means they are where I am. And I am most definitely not at NECC. Could they be taking a vacation on their school district’s money (again, I am merely sharing what I see… I am not here to judge)?

My spawn, the mooch, (it’s genetic) and I had the big decision of spending today at Sea World or the Children’s Museum. San Antonio Children's Museum.

We went with the Children’s Museum. Sure, it was a risky choice, but since they have air conditioning we took a chance and rolled the dice.

I made sure we arrived early (after a nutritional McDonald’s breakfast… I am such a good parent), in order to beat the crowds of evil snot-nosed children.

Why is it that you can’t find a peaceful children’s museum that isn’t packed with kids?

Life continues to be a mystery.

While at the museum, I noticed that all of the children were running around, being enthusiastic, asking questions, and racing from one display to another. They couldn’t have been more excited or engaged.

It was almost like they were afraid that they would miss out on something. Imagine that, there was more knowledge being dispensed than they could shove in their little brains.

They had displays on computer animation, instant messaging, magnets, fresh water fish, agriculture, electricity, the arts, geology, archeology, another ology that I didn’t understand, and birds… just to name a few.

It was exactly like school.

Well, not exactly like school. Did I mention the kids were excited?

Then it occurred to me as I entered the giant train engine (actually it occurred to me when I slammed my head into the top of the doorway while going into the engine… Note to museum staff: spend 2 bucks on a sign that says “Small Door You Need to Duck; Don’t Enter If You Are an Idiot”).

My thought was that schools should be more like children’s museums.

Interactive, exciting, learn at your own pace, learn from others, move around, ask questions, try, fail and then try again, and have so much fun that you don’t realize that you have been there for 6 hours and that the McDonald’s Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit … while tasty, has long ago worn off.

And on top of that, every school should have a life size cow that you can milk and water comes out of its udder.

It was cool.

The water I mean. How do they keep the water inside the fake cow cool?

Since humans can invent a fake milking cow (with what appears to be a very advanced refrigeration system), shouldn’t we be able to make school more exciting?

Society has come so far with technology, space travel, medicine, and fake cows. Can’t we move beyond worksheets, chalkboards, and being forced to sit in a desk every minute of the school day?

Again, life and our educational system continue to be a mystery to me.

I am glad my wife, the queen of technology, is attending NECC so she can answer all of these questions for me!

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While this site operates with the knowledge and awareness of the Tuscola CUSD #301 School Board, Tuscola, Illinois, the content and opinions posted here may or may not represent their views personally or collectively, nor does it attempt to represent the official viewpoint of Tuscola CUSD #301 administrators or employees.