My New Year’s Resolution for 2010: Not to El Drowno.


Each year I try to provide some guidance on New Year’s Resolutions.  Generally, my advice is to not make one.

Why start off the year failing miserably… again.

Isn’t it bad enough that most of us failed the last 12 months?  Why start off the new year in the hole once again?

Half the people I know will say their resolution is to exercise more.

Who in their right mind thinks it’s a good idea to start exercising during the month of January.

It’s cold.  It’s cloudy.  It’s dark.  It’s a mortal lock that you aren’t going to run, walk, or sweat for the next 3 months.

If you feel the urge (or the peer pressure) to make a resolution, do all of us a favor and make one you can keep.

For example here was (and still is) my advice from last year’s blog:

“When I make a resolution, I try to commit myself to something that I have a snowballs chance of actually doing.

One year it was to sleep more. Check.I Don't Want to Drown.

One year it was to take up smoking. Check. Although that didn’t last long.

One year it was to eat fewer vegetables. Check.

One year it was to watch more television. I don’t mean to brag, but I nailed that one (got off to a fast start on January 1 and never looked back).

This year will be no different. The only question is to which resolution shall I commit?

I toyed with the idea of reading more, pursuing a doctorate, writing an intelligent blog, or possibly volunteering at a nursing home.

Let’s not kid ourselves. All of these are well beyond my reach.

So I have settled on the tried and true.

My resolution for 2009 is to be less fat.”

Sadly, like most of you I failed.  I’m fatter.

Not a lot more fat, just a little more fat.  But fat none the less.

My trip to Disney World didn’t help because their meals only come in one size… “All You Can Eat Buffat Style!”

And Buffat’s are never a good idea.  Even if you have Buffat Pants… stay away because the one thing they won’t serve you is self-discipline.

I am relatively confident that I can drop this weight and by January 15, 2010 I will be able to declare my 2009 Resolution a success.

So now it’s time to move on to 2010.

While my advice is not to make a resolution, even I don’t listen to myself.

So here it is….

… my resolution for 2010 is…

…wait for it…

…wait…

My 2010 Resolution is to “Not Drown!”

On the surface (or slightly below) this seems easy enough.  But it’s not.

I can’t swim.  I’m celebrating the 13th anniversary of my 29th birthday and I can’t float, tread water, or swim more than 8 feet.

I‘m the poster boy (or old man) for drowning.  But not this year.

Not with my 2010 New Year’s Resolution in place.

I am going to take swimming lessons.  So between February 1 and the end of April, I will be taking a class that guarantees that I will become a world-class non-drowner.

By the beginning of summer (if all goes well) I should have the skills that will allow me to go down the kiddie slide at my local pool (with floaties on my arms of course), land in the 3 foot shallow water, slash about like a madman, stand up, and live to tell about it.

I’m very excited.

The only downside is if I fail this class, it means I’m dead at the bottom of a pool.  Sadly, I won’t be surrounded by loved ones, just some college kid making 8 bucks an hour to teach old people what babies and dogs already instinctively know (how not to drown).

So that’s my plan.  At least until April.

Once I’ve accomplished my goal of not dying in the shallow end, I will still have 2/3 of the year to tackle my next resolution.

Speaking Spanish.

Since I’m not so great with English, it’s time to move on.

I want to be able to say certain phrases.  Like “Thank you”, “Where’s the toilet?”, “NAFTA was a bad idea”, “Before you kiss me Señorita, do you have the swine flu?” and “I hate soccer!”

So by the end of 2010, I should be less fat, a Olympic caliber swimmer, and bilingual.

Or dead.

Either way it’s going to be a big year.  Or should I say “Grande Year”.

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Kiss Your Loved Ones Goodbye; The End is Near.


I'm Guessing They Weren't in Love.  And I'm Guessing He Would Get Arrested Today if He Did That.Take my advice and in the next 24 hours make contact with all the people you love and hold dear. Call, email, drive, fly… do whatever it takes.

Don’t let this opportunity pass because you will regret it for the rest of your life.

The end is near.

So, technically the regret won’t last that long. But, I digress.

Why is the world spiraling out of control? Why are we on the cusp of total mayhem? What has happened that is so monumental that life on this planet is about to end?

Simple.

Guess who scored a goal in her soccer game?

Yes, that’s right. My jobless daughter actually kicked (remember, no hands) a ball past 14 defenders and a world class goalie to put the Orthopedic Clinic up 1-0 on our way to yet another victory (final score 3-0, but who is counting).

At least that is the way I remember it.

I have never seen another soccer team as big, as fast, and as athletic as our opponent.

Their defense was nearly impenetrable as the jobless, slightly lazy one made her way down the field.

She weaved her way in and out of defenders with amazing skill and precision. As she made her way towards the goal you could see that they were going to be no match for her talent (she gets most of her athletic skills from her mom).

Then it happened. She reared back, as only a future Olympian can and took a mighty kick at the ball.

Their team was obviously overmatched, and I don’t mind saying a little scared.

She fired the ball at the goal. As our fans yelled, and theirs screamed in horror, the soccer ball crossed the line and went into the goal at nearly 90 miles an hour.

I felt a little sad for the goalie as she fell to her knees and wept.

The jobless one looked into their section of fans and taunted them with a little move that she likes to call, “The Happy Dance.”

And then I blacked out.

My wife said as soon as she scored, I passed out and hit my head on the floor.

I don’t remember a thing.

But, the wife does. She saw what really happened.

We were playing a team that was missing 4 kids (vacation, trips to the water fountain, 2 in the potty, etc.).

The goalie was evidently distracted (and not world class, but very scrappy for a 31 pound kindergartner). The defense was confused (and a couple were sad because they missed lunch… these games that start at 12:00 pm are not for the faint of heart).

My daughter didn’t exactly weave in and out of defenders. It was more like she was in the right place at the right time.

And she didn’t exactly fire a shot at 90 miles an hour. She actually bumped the ball… by accident… with the side of her foot.

Our fans didn’t yell. Theirs didn’t scream.

But, she was very excited as the ball trickled into the goal. It was almost like the whole thing happened in slow motion.

Maybe that’s because when she runs, it looks like slow motion.

Anyways, it was a goal. And then she jumped up and down like this was the greatest moment of her life.

Then I fell and hit my head.

She has already forgotten about this athletic achievement and moved on to playing sidewalk chalk.

As for me, I will remember this as the moment when her Hall of Fame soccer career first began.

Go see your loved ones. The end is near.

I am going to take a nap. My head is killing me.

Odds are when I wake up; this will all have been a dream.

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While this site operates with the knowledge and awareness of the Tuscola CUSD #301 School Board, Tuscola, Illinois, the content and opinions posted here may or may not represent their views personally or collectively, nor does it attempt to represent the official viewpoint of Tuscola CUSD #301 administrators or employees.