The 6 Levels of Stupid.

I am unable to confirm that any of the following involved me, friends of mine, people I know, or in some cases my sworn enemies (pending litigation and all).

Stupid comes in various forms.

The form it most often takes with me is called “Happens Way too Often”.

I’m not saying I’m stupid, I’m simply saying I’m a magnet for stupid (Yes! 4 I’ms in one… no that’s 5 in one sentence.  And my English teachers said I wouldn’t amount to anything.).

Since I have a certain expertise in stupid, I thought it might be wise to rank the various types of stupidity.

Here are The 6 Levels of Stupid:

Level 6 – Tech Stupid.

Hating your technology person (I don’t… why did I feel the need to mention this?  Because I want my computer to work tomorrow.) isn’t a good thing.

Blaming them when your computer/printer/email/SMARTBoard doesn’t work is not always correct.

Sending them a “Trouble Ticket” that contains a request, some anger, and an underlying threat to their well-being is a bad thing.

Especially when you’ve indicated they are the worst person in the world and deserve to die a painful and slow death just because your computer doesn’t work.

Only to find out when they show up to fix the computer… it is unplugged.

And you unplugged it the day before.  And forgot.You Have to Admit... Pop-Tarts Are Tasty.

Level 5 – Pop Tart Stupid.

Getting up early to make both a tasty and healthy breakfast.

Two Pop-Tarts = Breakfast of Champions.

Plus, this allows your new bride to sleep in as you are being a big boy and making your own breakfast.

Toss the tarts into the toaster and head off.

Head off where? 

The gas station to buy a newspaper of course.

This was the perfect plan.

Until the toaster jammed.

And started a fire.

But don’t be alarmed.  The entire apartment didn’t burn down.

Just the kitchen (can you say kiss the deposit goodbye).

Level 4 – Excuses Stupid.

This level is for those special people who continue to confuse an excuse with a reason.

I don’t have my homework because the dog ate it is an excuse (not Buddy… he only eats shoes).

I don’t have my homework because my mom and dad were taken to the hospital last night after they were involved in an accident is a reason.

While subtle, there is a difference.

Level 3 – I’m in a Meeting Stupid.

Conducting a School Board Meeting using your laptop as a communication device is a good thing.  Leaving Yahoo Instant Messenger on so your evil spawn daughter can share her thoughts on what happened that day in 3rd grade is a bad thing.

I’m thankful her language was appropriate that particular night (because trust me… it can get pretty salty).

Level 2 – Email Etiquette Stupid.


They are a great way to ask a question.

Sometimes you forward an email that you received from another person.

You should read these first.

If you had read it (and you have no idea who you are… because you are stupid), you would have noticed it said some not so nice things about me… 3 forwards ago.


If I had feelings this would have hurt them.

Level 1 – I Didn’t Know As Much As I Thought I Did Stupid.

I have written close to 300 blogs.  Yes, that’s right, I’ve wasted more time on moronic blog writing than just about any other school administrator in the world (feel free to call “my people” Guinness Book of World Records).

I’m very proud.

And embarrassed I haven’t spent this time making the world a better place.

During the course of working on these blogs it has occurred to me that writing them is easy (lack of quality isn’t terribly hard), but posting them can be difficult.

I write them in Microsoft Word and then copy and paste them into my WordPress blog.

Then I had to add pictures and hyperlink old blogs into the new one.

This takes a great deal of time.

I’ve often thought someone should invent a program to make this process easier.

I literally scheduled hours just to curse at my computer when things didn’t go smoothly (evidently my daughter gets her language issues honestly).

Then it happened (no, not more cursing… that’s impossible).

Someone Twittered I should be using Microsoft Live Writer.  Evidently, it  is a tool to help post your blogs.


This has been available since… well, since 300 blogs ago!!!!

Is there a reason people have been keeping this secret from me?

Or am I just stupid?

Note from bride, however, no longer new.  Luckily we owned 1 kitchen pot.  And I mean only 1.  It was filled with water in the kitchen sink from the previous night’s meal.  I was able to use that pot to extinguish the burning cabinet quickly enough to prevent “much” damage. Therefore, we did receive our deposit back and believe me, we needed it.  Do you know how much a first year teacher made in 1995?

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Werewolves, Pop-Tarts, and Junior High Boys.

Werewolf... or... Junior High Boy????There are many great mysteries of the world that continue to confuse me.

They include: David Caruso’s total lack of acting ability; how microwaves work; why people pay $57 dollars for a cup of coffee at Starbucks; and how a thermos keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold. How does it know which type of liquid is inside? I could go on and on, but you get the point.

But the biggest mystery in the entire world continues to be why Junior High kids act so squirrely when there is a full-moon.

Actually, it is any student K-12, especially kids within a half mile radius of where I am standing. This has been studied by scientists. Honest. It is like I am a magnet.

I am convinced that they have inner radar that allows them to search out and attempt to destroy the good nature of school administrators.

Sometimes I think several days before a full-moon, parents devise a plan.

It is my understanding, from sources I am not at liberty to name, that they get the kids all hopped-up on caffeine and candy, force them to stay up until 4:21 a.m., then turn around and make them get up and eat an early breakfast of Pop-Tarts, Cocoa Puffs (or any other cereal sold on the bottom shelf), breakfast burritos and a giant ice-cold glass of CRAZY.

And then they do the unthinkable. They put them on a bus and send them to school knowing good and well, that you never send your kids out in public when they have just consumed a big glass of CRAZY.

But this is only the beginning, the real fun is about to ensue. By fun, I don’t mean fun, I mean nightmare. Yes, that’s the right word for junior high kids with too much caffeine and a full-moon overhead.

Bus troubles, locker room incidents, touching each other in the hallway, noises (don’t ask), inappropriate language, etc.

I don’t want to focus only on the negative and be the “glass of CRAZY is half-full” type of guy. There is some good news.

One, it only lasts for one day (granted they can be long days and you will age several years during this 24 hour period, but if it wasn’t this, it would be something else), and two, it is job-security. No matter how advanced our society becomes, there will always be a need for a school administrator to stand in the hallway to make sure junior high boys don’t shove each other.

If you don’t believe me, mark the next full-moon on your calendar (the technical term for this is- “scientific study”).

Be warned though, some months it is the actual full-moon day. However, sometimes just to mess with you, the kids will be extra jumpy the day before the full-moon.

During the course of my extensive studies on this matter, I have also noticed that the day of the week can help or hurt your cause on this event.

Monday full-moon, manageable. Tuesday or Wednesday, you can survive. Thursday, things are going to get a bit more complicated. Friday full-moon with an afternoon assembly, every man, woman, and child for themselves.

On a short week, Wednesday or Thursday can actually become a Friday. A week with no Monday throws everything back a day. I would go on, but you would need scratch paper if I go into any more details.

The #1 worst case of all time is- if you live in a part of the country where snow is not the norm, and you get 2 inches during school on a full-moon day…well, my advice is to look into another occupation. Something less dangerous like: timber cutters, fisherman, or pilots (Google “most dangerous jobs”).

Trust my theory, as I have seldom lied to you before. Try keeping track on your own calendar. After about three months, you too will recognize this as one of the greatest mysteries of the universe.

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