Television Shows Should Be 9 Minutes Long.

So Sleepy.  So Old.I don’t mean to brag, but there was a time when I could watch 17 straight hours of television and never leave the couch (not to eat or… well you know).

During my youth, I could easily watch 3 movies back to back to back and not even blink.


Now I can’t look at a TV screen without being overcome with the feeling that I’ve just ingested a 72 oz glass of anesthesia (which would be smaller than the mega gigantic sodas they sell kids at convenience stores… can we make these illegal already?).

There’s something about life after the age of 40 (if you can call it a life). People warned me unexplainable aches and pains would show up when I reached this advanced age.

They were right.

What they didn’t tell me was that I would doze off after watching half a commercial.

People ask me what my favorite show is and I tell them I have no idea. I haven’t seen an entire television program in at least a decade (is Happy Days still on?).

My life can be broken down into two distinct eras. The years of my youth when I was alert and focused and on top of my game.

I call those The Golden Years (I just made that up).

And now my life is a pathetic existence where I spend my days just waiting for an opportunity to rest my eyes for only a quick second.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t like where this is headed (life never seems to end well).

I’m turning into an old person who eats dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon so they can be in bed by 6.

Of course this means I will be awake at 2 o’clock in the morning so I can sit at the kitchen table and wait for the newspaper to arrive.

The newspaper that no longer exists.


Not about the newspapers.


During the course of writing(?) this blog, I took two naps. Seriously.

Even sadder, school will start soon and the kids in each grade will be the exact same age they were last year. Me on the other hand

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This Blog Will Make Little or No Sense.

So how is this blog different than the last 481?My Head Feels Exactly Like This.

Now that I think about it, probably not much.

They’ve all made little or no sense in their own unique way.

Although this one is extra special because I got up this morning at 1:56 am.

Yes 1:56 am.  2 short hours after midnight (I’m rounding).  And several hours before normal human beings slap the snooze button for the first time.


I have no idea.

Everyone else in the house was sleeping hard.  Really hard.

I know this because of the snoring.

Lots and lots of snoring.

It sounded like an air horn with a sock stuffed inside.

Or like someone had stepped on a cat.

Especially, Buddy the Dog.  He was hitting the zzzz’s hard.  Evidently, he was resting up from his big day of sleeping (I think this dog will be dead for 6 weeks before we even notice).

Like most superintendents, my mind is full of gunk.

Problems I can’t solve.

Problems I need to solve.

Problems I anticipate.

Problems I could never anticipate in a million years.

Sometimes, it just problems created by other problems.

Normally, I handle this by sleeping like a baby.

But not last night.

On an average night/morning, I open my eyes and I’m completely awake in about 90 minutes (I really should intake more caffeine).

Last night, I opened my eyes and was immediately alert.

I felt great.

I felt like a million bucks.

I had the energy of a 41 year old.

That was until a short 4 hours later (this would be 6 am… again, rounding).  Then I felt like I’d been beaten with a pillow case full of non-caffeinated sodas).

It was time to go to work and I felt like I hadn’t slept.

Probably because I hadn’t slept.

The rest of my day was spent in a fog.  A deep groggy fog.

It’s hard to describe, but I had an ever so slight headache and I was seeing double.

For some odd reason my entire body hurt when I blinked.

And yawned.

About mid-morning, I noticed it was taking me twice as long as normal to both blink and yawn.

A good sneeze probably would have killed me (which would have been okay because I could have used the rest).

As I slow-motioned my way through the day, I wondered how teenagers exist.

They eat poorly.  They don’t exercise.  They play video games all night.  And they only sleep when the sun is out.

Yet, they seem to function.

I wake up once in the middle of the night and I’m no use to society for the next 72 hours.

It doesn’t seem fair.

I need sleep and they don’t.

I can’t sleep and they can.

And yet, they mock me with their excess energy.

Why is youth wasted on the young?

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The Strange Behaviors of a Pre-Teen.

We are raising an animal (no not Buddy the Dog… he’s raising us).

The Evil Spawn is entering Step 1 of her teenage internship.

Each new phase of a child’s life is challenging, but this one is bound to be particularly disturbing.

She’s starting to exhibit some odd behaviors.

Like painting her fingernails.  Picking up her room without arguing about it.  And caring what her hair looks like (after not brushing it for 72 consecutive  months).I'm Just So Sleepy.

But by far the strangest behavior is her sleeping habits.

She never wants to go to bed because she’s not tired, but then she doesn’t want to get up because she’s exhausted.

Don’t ask me to explain because I find it very mysterious.

She seems to have a love/hate relationship with sleep. 

For me it’s a challenge to figure out where she’s located each morning (or more likely, late morning).

When I’m tired, I go to sleep (if all goes well) in my bed (I’m not going to lie, it’s usually the highlight of my day).

When she finally gives up and goes to bed, she heads to one of 18 different places (generally, no more than 3 consecutive nights in any one place).

I might find her sleeping in her bedroom, but that’s the exception… not the rule.

More likely I will discover her crashed out on a couch, in the guest room, or on the floor (this is tricky because you don’t want to step on her first thing in the morning… because this seems to anger her).

I asked her why she doesn’t sleep in her bed and she said “I like it… I just don’t like-like it.”


I have a feeling the odd behavior is just beginning.  It’s only going to get worse.

For me.

In about 6 years I will like her creepy unemployed boyfriend.

I just won’t like-like him.

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Sleep is a Mysterious and Complicated Mistress.

I Should Sleep So Well.The funny thing about sleep (or not, as always you get to decide) is that while it is very important in keeping a person productive, it is also a colossal waste of time.

While most would agree about it being a waste of time (we sleep about 1/3 of our lives- Google it), it is as important as any human activity; including the consumption of food and water.

Just so you don’t think you’re wasting more of your life reading this blog, I would like to provide you with some extra knowledge. Over the course of our lives we drink about 16,000 gallons of water and by the age of 60 we lose about half of our taste buds.

These 2 fun facts tell us three things; one, I know a lot of worthless junk that is in no way helpful to society and in fact only clogs up my brain. Sadly, this doesn’t allow me to remember more important items such as the date of my wedding anniversary or what I said out loud 11 minutes ago (seriously, I can’t remember if I said something or I just heard a voice in my head, but I think I have mentioned this before… or not, I can’t remember).

Secondly, the water thing also explains why as I get older I have to use the restroom 212 times a day. Lastly, it’s no wonder I like broccoli more and more as time passes (sorry, people who make their money from selling broccoli… please don’t email).

Lots of people love sleeping, but wish they could get by with less or even better; no sleep at all.

I must admit that I am one of those people.

I have been wondering how much more productive I could be if I didn’t have to go to sleep. There are so many things that I could accomplish; like watching more TV (like Talk Soup… now that guy is funny), reading the classics (or more newspapers), and exercising less (okay, bad example).

Sleep is a huge time killer and an annoying interruption in the day. However, I love it.

I hate to admit it but, the highlight for me on most days is going to sleep.

I find nothing better than going through an average day, accomplishing a tenth of what I need to, and then wrapping it all up by going to sleep.

Sometimes, I think the one thing that is even better than a good night’s sleep is a 20 minute nap in the Mancave.

For those of you unfamiliar with the definition of Mancave, congratulations you have just stumbled upon another learning opportunity.

A Mancave is a basement (preferably, but family room or garage will do) that is cold, isolated, and has a big TV (no Oprah… ever) while also having a recliner or couch.

Bonus points for a refrigerator and bathroom nearby (that 16,000 gallons has to go somewhere). And most importantly, no girls allowed ever, unless they have an invitation (exceptions for people who are related to me or delivering pizza).

So there you have it, I have a somewhat perplexing love/hate relationship with sleep. I need it and would like to cut back, but I think I am hooked. That is why it is such a mysterious and complicated mistress.

While we are talking about sleep, I wish I could bottle the feeling that you get on workdays, where you wake up and it feels like you could stay in bed forever. Why is it that

I don’t get that same feeling on weekends or school holidays when I can lay there as long as I want?

I guess the moral to the story (or blog) is sleep is simply a necessary evil.

On the positive side, there is nothing better than falling asleep watching Mike Rowe.

Since I have admitted having this complicated mistress, should I be worried about my wife running away with Mr. Dreams?

She does love sleeping and now that I think about it, she sure does talk about him a lot…

By the way, I hope you didn’t Google the fact that we sleep 1/3 of our lives… do the math… 8 hours a day… 24 hours in day…. that is 33%… come on, you’re better than that. Obviously, this blog isn’t big in the math department.

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