Time For My Dog’s First Evaluation. I Hope He Isn’t Planning on Getting Tenure.

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We have a new dog.

I thought about calling him the Always Hungry, Constantly Napping, Strange Smells Escaping from Several Body Parts, Chewing on My Shoes, High Maintenance/High Drama Animal but this didn’t seem catchy enough.

So we went with Buddy the Dog.

When we got him, I decided it would be a good idea if we ran a 5k together.

After all, dogs love to run. And I could use the exercise and stress relief (especially at the end of the school year). It would be a bonding experience between man and beast.

Like most of my ideas, I considered it sheer genius.

And like most of my ideas, it wasn’t.

We are now 7 weeks into my plan and it’s apparent that our training regimen isn’t going well.

Buddy is evidently more perceptive than me. He decided it wasn’t going well after about 3 minutes.

When we first met him there was no doubt he was a go getter.

His owners told us that he couldn’t get enough exercise. Evidently, they didn’t tell him.

The first few times we ran together, he was a machine. He ran and ran and ran.

I could barely keep up.

There was no stopping him. He could run 4 miles and barely break a sweat.

Then one day it was hot. And humid.

He got tired. And stopped. And layed down. And had a brainstorm.

As he lay under a shade tree on his back with all 4 legs in the air, I could tell his little golf ball-sized brain was really mulling the situation over.

In retrospect, that was the exact moment he decided the human wasn’t in charge.

He was.

And the 5K wasn’t going to happen. Not on his watch.

He hasn’t run since.

And trust me, I’ve tried.

I take off in a full sprint. He sits down and stares at me. And it isn’t just a stare. It’s a mocking glare.

After I regain my composure and my balance, I always try again. I take off. He doesn’t budge.

The glare he gives is easy to recognize because I get it from time to time at school. I must admit, it hurts even when coming from a different species.

This isn’t even the worst part.

In a matter of 6 short weeks, he has gone from a former show dog living in a kennel… to a pampered family pet that not only doesn’t run, but doesn’t even walk outside at night to use the bathroom.

He has to be carried.

I wish I were kidding.

Here are the pictures to prove it.

Sleepy and Lazy.
Buddy the Dog Thinks He Is a Baby.

It’s just a matter of time before we have to put him in the car and drive him down the block to the fire hydrant so he can take care of business.

His business.

On his terms.

Maybe his next evaluation will go well, but as of now he certainly has some areas on which he needs improvement.

Or could it be possible that I have some areas on which to improve? Maybe he and I should’ve had a pre-conference before we brought him home.

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6 Responses to “Time For My Dog’s First Evaluation. I Hope He Isn’t Planning on Getting Tenure.”

  1. Pat
    on May 29th, 2009
    @ 4:37 am

    This was absolutely hilarious! I can just picture him giving you “the look!” This is just a small price you have to pay for his loyalty and devotion to you (and your food, and your shoes). Just be thankful you don’t have to carry your wife to the bathroom! LOL

  2. Susan Myers
    on May 29th, 2009
    @ 3:26 pm

    I love your post. How hysterical. Your dog has got it made. Just wait until he asks for a special brand of food. Or is he doing that already?

    Michael Smith Reply:

    @Susan Myers, At this point, we are not taking requests for his food so there is some hope for us as parents.

    Also, he has never had “human food” so we have that going for us.

    I would write more, but he has to use the bathroom so I need to carry him outside.

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